an observation from atop the hiatus

if you hang out/have an intimate encounter with a guy who you've been seeing for five months, and he doesn't "call" you (read: text you) for 11 days and counting, that is kind of shitty.
regardless of how low my expectations might have been (and i'm pretty sure they weren't THAT low), that is kind of a dick move.

and it bothers me a little.

it's just disappointing when you think someone gives a shit, at least a minimal shit (...they act like they do anyway), and then you realize they don't. and the more concessions and compromises you make, the worse it seems to get.

i think back to all the advice i received over the course of this situation about my expectations and men...and i think that perhaps i wasn't so wrong to begin with. my adoption of new behavior, techniques and a laissez-faire attitude mixed with more aggressive/proactive tactics didn't really get me anywhere. so...i guess i'm back to square one. with a renewed conviction about what i don't want and how i do not wish to act and how i do not wish to be treated.

hiatus

MD has been on hiatus because MD has made some questionable moves that have led MD to be self-reflective and talk in third person.

in essence, i've involved myself with the same person in a way that's not productive and kinda made me feel shitty. so much so that i haven't even felt like talking about it. furthermore, i wasn't sure how i was going to handle myself going forward...

but don't get me wrong. i don't think i'm a victim or anything. i know this is my own fault for not walking away. and i've tried to deal with it by not dealing it. in the past, it's taken so much energy for me to forget about someone, to consciously make the decision not to deal...ever again. so in an effort, to avoid expending that energy, i've just concluded not to do anything. however, this too can be problematic.

anyway, whatever. i'm trying to do my positive thinking shit...and i'm on plenty of fish (ooohhh, the horrors) in an effort to get myself out there. sigh...

so forgive me for my absence. but sometimes even i can't handle myself. i hope to have a much better situation to discuss soon.

silence is not golden

i will spare you my emotional and psychological babble and just give you the facts because, in this case, the facts are really all that matter.

last thursday, i received an email from a friend about my expectations for men and the latest man in particular. In summary, "This guy is just a man. Stop expecting more from him than that. Your trying to not be too available is coming across as trying not to see him at all. Give the guy a chance - even if it's to break your heart, because if you play it safe like this, you'll never get the big pay out."

her words resonated with me. i felt like there was truth to what she was saying, and i felt compelled to act. so, i sent him (the most recent guy) a text message that read, "just wanted to say hi. how are you doing?"

he responded shortly thereafter with, "doing well. how are you?" i told him i'd been under the weather and asked him how his project (the one that had consuuuuuumed him so much and sent him to and fro) was going. he said it was on hold, and explained why. then he said, "i'm leaving on monday to go home for a week." i have to insert a bit of internal monologue here. "hmm," i thought. "is he telling me this just so i'll know? is that a hint? a nudge? an 'opening of the door' if you will? he wouldn't just say that for no reason, right?" so i took that as an "in" and told him that i would like to hang out with him before he left, and if he was interested in doing that, he could let me know.

silence. thursday silence. friday silence. saturday silence. sunday silence. the first three days, my expectations for a response were low, but the sunday silence was the deepest. the most felt. now, as with all M/F interactions, i have been presented with theories--that perhaps i screwed up by not directly asking him to spend time with me and suggesting a specific time and date. or that i did nothing wrong, and i should not take his silence personally. that perhaps he was just too busy to hang out or had to much going on.

whatever the case, the FACT is that he didn't say anything. nothing. not a yes. not a no. not a maybe. nothing. and i was hurt by that. and i took it personally, whether i should have or not.his silence opened the floodgates and widened the ever-present hole. because to me, the quiet on the other end was an even deeper rejection than a simple "i don't think so" might have been. at least i would have known. at least then my mind wouldn't have seesawed all day between he "probably won't call" and "of course, he will. why wouldn't he? think positively." at least if he'd said no, i wouldn't have held on to a sliver of hope until the 11th hour.

but i did. and when i finally had to let that hope go, it did not go without immense pain.

i said no emotional/psychological blabber, so let me quit while i'm slightly ahead.

ps. just read this quote (on cnn.com of all places). from buddha. "Suffering, if it does not diminish love, will transport you to the furthest shore." my mind is digesting this right now.

happy thanksgiving.

stella

i spent the latter part of last week trying to get my groove back after a balls-out shitty week. after being told that i perhaps acted a little too hastily in my "fuck you, don't ever call me" episode, i did the weird, crazy girl thing and texted him the next day with, "so you have nothing say? it's like you don't even care." and he (rightfully so) responded with, "what do you want to hear from someone you don't want to see? of course i care but you basically told me you'd rather have nothing to do with me than be friends so i'll respect that. i'll even hide behind a bush if i see you coming so it won't be awkward." i responded. he didn't. finally, i told him if he wanted to talk in person fine, if not, fine (enough of this texting bullshit). he said "you're always welcome to come over for a beer..."
the plan was for me to go over on tuesday. however, didn't quite happen.
i ended up texting him that night and said, "so are we still on?"

him: sure come on over and have this awkward conversation.
me: i can't tell if you're joking or being serious. i'm not trying to
have some long, awkward conversation. mostly i'm just coming to get
my beer. but we don't have to hang if you don't want.
him: i'm joking, of course. i'm pretty busy with writing again
tonight, and dealing with my idiot cousin. what time do you get out
of work tomorrow? early evening would work best for me.
me: i volunteer tomorrow. [granted, i could have skipped it, but i
didn't want to be that available.]
him: so what time are you done volunteering?
me: 8. in hollywood. so early evening won't work for me.
him: drat.
me: and this is where you suggest an alternate time. but i have dance
on Thursday.
him: how about i meet you at dance class?
me: ha. no. try again.

and that was that. he hasn't said anything since. at this point, i figure he probably won't, and now i'm just digesting the idea that we will probably never talk or see each other again. i figure, the sooner i get that in my head, the better off i'll be. regardless of how much it may hurt my feelings. ANYWAY, in an effort to distract myself from the grim realities of my situation, i went out on thursday for a friend's birthday. went to a bar downtown. i got hit on by a couple of guys, struck up conversations with them...i was feeling veeeeery stella. until the lameasses i was talking to got kicked out for being far too drunk and much too belligerent (not to me, just in general). ahhh, yes. i am officially back, i thought. back to attracting the young ones. you're 22, you say? of course you are!

sunday night wasn't much different. i went to a bar to watch the late game. there was one empty bar stool. i asked the guy next to it if it was free. he said it was. a few minutes later he struck up a conversation, and we discovered that we're both from dallas, went to school down the street from each other and know some of the same people. crazy. "what year did you graduate?" he asked. "'99," i said. "you?" all the while i'm thinking, "please don't say 2000 something, please don't say 2000 something." "2002," he said. damnit! seriously, i cannot shake this thing i have for attracting guys who are young (emotionally or literally) and who don't have their shit together. not saying this guy doesn't, but i mean...we know the odds. i gave him my number anyway because he was nice, and i thought he might be a good distraction, and i figured, "why fight it? clearly i am a magnet for these fools so i might as well embrace it. concede that i'm not going to be in a serious, stable relationship anytime soon and just try to enjoy what i get." yes, i would LOVE a mature, stable, available gentleman, but if the universe keeps bringing me the opposite, what's a girl to do?

i guess i could just say "no...", L.A.

so much for that

that whole friends business is for the birds.

friday, as i was leaving work, i got a text messaging from him saying my bike wouldn't fit in his car (and since he's moving into his place, it could no longer stay in the storage unit) and did i have any ideas? i supposed this text was not only to serve as notification about my bike but notification that he was back in town as well...oh, that's right "we're friends," so i guess you don't really have to tell me those things until you get good and ready. i kept it strictly business. told him when i could come get it, etc. after a few messages back and forth, he asked, "so what are you up to tonight?" i told him, making myself sound busy, which truthfully i was. i guess he was feeling chatty because he responded and made a joke. i said nothing.

the next day, i called him (yes, called) to finalize bike plans. i was already dreading this encounter because i knew how it would go: i would see him, it would be awkward, and i would leave feeling worse than i did when i got there. and that's what happened. while my friend loaded the bike, we made small talk. again, he asked me what i was up to that night, adding that "if i end up doing anything fun, give him a call." i think this is what did it for me. it felt like we had completely regressed. now, he couldn't even ask me to do something, to hang out, to go somewhere. now it's "give me a call if you have something fun planned." fuck you. don't date me for 4 months, sleep in my bed, bring me flowers and candy and whatever shit that makes me think you are really into me, and then turn around and be all fucking casual...like none of that shit ever happened. this was a worse situation than it was before he left. at least then he actually sort of made plans with me and didn't base our encounters on the possibility of external events.

i shed my tears finally (i hadn't done that since any of this happened), spent yesterday in one hell of a funk, and today i decided that this wasn't for me. if we're going backwards, if he can't even bother to make plans with me (no matter what level of dating we're at), then i can't deal. because i can't pretend that NOTHING happened. i can't pretend that we're just homies. what we had before was casual...this now is just bullshit.

so i told him that i was sorry but i couldn't do it. he didn't say anything. whatever. fuck 'em. i already unfacebooked him, and i had never saved his number in my phone (for this very reason), so i didn't have to worry about that. just need to clear out my text inbox, take a deep breath, and hope that the next several days bring me the peace of mind and heart that i need...again.

i am hurt yes. and sad. but this isn't new territory, so i'll survive...

mama says...

so last night, i talked to my mom. i expected her to say good riddance, and i should never talk to him again. like she normally does.

however, she surprised me when she suggested i accept his offer of hanging out on a casual basis and see how it goes. and try not to wear my heart of my sleeve so much (which is hard for me). she pointed out that he has said and done nice things, so he's not a bad guy...blah blah. he's just incapable of giving me a commitment because his life is in shambles (shambles is my word...perhaps disarray is more appropriate).

i wasn't expecting her to say anything like that, and it's something i never would have considered on my own. i'm usually an all or nothing girl. but maybe that's my problem. well...perhaps "problem" is too harsh. maybe that's my hang-up. i WANT the security of a relationship, and i haven't had that in a while. years. and this is generally how things have ended up as i have pursued what i want. so clearly, my wanting so much has gotten me no where. so maybe my approach is wrong. maybe i SHOULD consider a casual, non-intimate "relationship" (and my motto is--if you don't want a serious relationship, don't expect any serious nookie) with boundaries and limited expectations. and, of course, not just with him, but with anyone i like.

it goes against my natural inclination, but i have to do something. because obviously what i've been doing ain't cutting it.

...ashes, ashes, we all fall down

so it turns out i was right...about it being the beginning of the end. i'll stick to the dirty facts.

two days ago, when i said that i wasn't going to respond to that lame text, i lied. well, i meant it at the time, but tonight, my sense of right got the better of me, and i had to say something. keep in mind, the following all occurs via text.

me: i believe you that it's been hectic. but i go for days and don't hear from you (whether here or away) & that makes me uncomfortable. when ur seeing someone, you should call, email or at least text to let them know you are thinking of them. a small gesture that goes a long way. but when you don't or when you don't respond, it makes me think you're not really into this whole thing.

him: i'm sorry, i'm not a great communicator. i told you before i left that i didn't want anything serious, because i haven't figured out my own situation yet [this is not exactly true. more on that later.] i like you a lot...a whole lot. i think you're incredible, and painfully sexy. but if it's a serious relationship you're looking for right now, i'm only going to fuck it up. i don't want to upset you. you deserve more than i can offer right now...i'm not in the best spot, and i have to get my life straightened out before i can be seriously involved with anyone. i really like hanging out with you. i want to see you, but i feel embarrassed that i can't do the things i want with you, because you're one of the best people i've met in a long long time. my stress level has been through the roof lately dealing with all this crap for this show. i've spent the last 2 months working my ass off this and they keep slipping up. the last thing i want to do is project all my problems on you. i'm no fun when i'm stressed.

me: i get it. unfortunately, i am painfully familiar with this reasoning as i've heard it before. so this isn't what you want. okay. i wish i'd known before any feelings were involved. but we can't change that. i know now, and i'll deal with it.

him: i'm sorry, i tried telling you all this, that i didn't want to be serious. i still want to see you and hang out with you...does it have to be so serious?

me: when did you say this (not including when you were last here)? and what does not so serious mean to you exactly? cuz i don't think we have been.

him: that's when i said it, the last time we were together.

me: and to me, "i don't want to like you too much because i don't know where i'll be in 2 wks" means "once i figure it out, i'll be fine." but i totally didn't get what you really meant.

him: i meant what i said, that i don't want to like you too much because i can't be in a relationship right now. what is it you want?

me: okay. well by then everything had already happened, and like i said, i guess i just didn't understand what you meant. but now i do. what i want? someone who gives me time and attention and makes me feel like i'm important to them. i want what i give. it's not that much, but i know you have to be in the right mindset to do it.

and that was it. that was a few hours ago. i don't really have much else to say about it other than how the hell do i keep getting myself in this situation?

boo...and shit

c. anthoney...your explanation is the best i've heard. i actually kind of understand it when you put it like that. doesn't mean i necessarily like it, but i get it. i guess i equate texting with not caring, and perhaps i should not do that. since it seems impersonal to me, i figure a guy would only do that if he really didn't care or wasn't all that interested.

reenybug...ha! i can wait 'til after nine, boo, so we can use those good unlimited minutes.

anyway, thanks for your amusing and insightful comments. here's my latest. but first a background/recap:

any guy i meet/like/get involved with, already starts out with a deficit. because i've been disappointed so many times before, he has to try to climb out of the hole created by other people, and any slip up that might only marginally affect another, less heartbroken girl is totally magnified to me and makes a bad situation worse. pretty much, as a therapist told me a while back, i would need someone to do a shitload of things right over a loooooooong period of time for me to believe that they like me and for me to trust them. this is probably not realistic, but what ends up happening is that i see every mistake as proof that that this guy isn't going to stick around, that i am not and cannot be a priority for any man going back to daddy...
and either it winds up being true because it was the fate of the relationship all along or because i believed it and it was self-fulfilling. either way...the shit goes down.

which brings me to my mini-meltdown last night. so after i got home on halloween, i texted the boy (who is still out of town) and said "happy halloween!" all he had to do was say the shit back, and none of the rest of this story would exist. but he didn't. he said nothing. i forgot the rule that guys sometimes don't feel the need to respond if you don't ask a question, so maybe this is partially my fault, but whatever...it's bullshit. so at like 3 a.m. (or 2 a.m. depending on the time change), when i still hadn't heard from his ass, i sent a text that read "um...hi...are you okay?" his response? dead dumb silence. 4 a.m., 5 a.m., noon, 3 p.m. motherfucker. listen, if you INSIST upon communicating with me via text then i EXPECT that you should be able to do that shit promptly, seeing as how it doesn't involve any effort beyond you moving your thumbs.

by 6 p.m., i was done. i had watched sports all day and gone to my dance class and done all the "me" shit you're supposed to do when you're "not thinking about" a guy. but as it got all dark and shit all early, the thoughts began to creep in. "this is happening again...this guy is just going to disappear like _____ did or he's just going to stop putting in effort like _____ did. i've seen this before. i know how this ends." now perhaps, sally jane would have just figured "oh, he's busy. he'll get back to me. this is nothing personal." but not me. during the world series, my eyes started to tear up, and the only reason i didn't actually cry is because i was just so damn tired mentally and physically (because that class kicked my ass). i told my sane friend about it. she, of course, said it was no big deal, and that he would get back to me soon. i, being of the less sane variety, knew i would not be able to let this go. i felt so completely rejected and upset. "clearly, if you can't send a freaking text message, which is the only method of communication you seem capable of, then i can't be important at all." he's screwing an ex, i thought. or he's just realized he's not ready for a relationship (oh, that infamous excuse). anyway, i knew this was the end. i wanted to hate him, i wanted to be done with him, i wanted to have the last word.

so i texted him AGAIN (my mother popped into my head just before i sent it...she oozed of disappointment. but i had to ignore her). i said, "your lack of response makes me think something really IS wrong or that you're just ignoring me. hope it's not the 1st one. just in case it's the 2nd, i will let this be my last message." i sent it, turned off my phone and instantly felt better. i took a shower, watched some tv, and went to sleep. i woke up in the middle of the night and turned my phone back on (because it's my alarm clock and i gots to go to work). there was a text from him, but i didn't read it. i didn't want to be thinking about it, analyzing it and not be able to go to back to sleep. so i ignored it. didn't read it until i got in the car this morning. it said, "hey. busy week. what's going on?" or something like that. i screamed at the phone, "nothing is going on!" i won't respond to that because i don't really have anything to say. "Nothing is up. Just want to know that you give a shit. That you're actually thinking about me now and then. Later." No. And on another note, are you really THAT busy where even your thumbs can't move to type a simple message? i am inclined to call, "bullshit."

anyway, perhaps this would be a big deal to anyone. maybe just to me. and again, because of the "hole", little shit has a major effect on me. i've thought about trying to explain this to guys, but i feel like that would be a mess. i'm aware that i could be overreacting, but at what point are you not supposed to use the clues of the past to determine the present. i.e. at what point do i say well, when ____ didn't text me back, it's because he had decided he didn't want to see me or talk to me ever again. however, just because this guy did, it doesn't mean the same thing. Or, when ____ stopped calling/texting as much, it was the beginning of the end. however, just because this guy does it...

on one hand, people say you're supposed to learn from the past. on the other hand, you're not supposed to live in it. i don't know if i am just being smart (i.e. spotting the signs and knowing when it's not working) or scared. however, if i was communicated with on a more regular basis, i might not have to even think about this.

something's fishy

so...my lover (and i use that term loosely) is gone again. off in colorado, working to bring home some bacon. before he left, he blessed me with more flowers (pink roses) and a pumpkin, which we named gary. he spent the night before he left, and i when i departed for work, he was still at my house, per the usual. when i returned home that evening, i found my room in...strategic disarray. there was a tower of pillows in the center of my bed (undoubtedly a result of my comment, "it's always a treat for me to come home and see how you decided to make the bed that day..." i.e. "it doesn't look at all how it does when i make it, but i appreciate the effort"). in addition to other things being slightly out of place, gary the pumpkin was "standing" by the bathroom, wearing a dallas cowboys cap, a t-shirt from my middle school p.e. class and a pair of my pajama pants. the whole ridiculous scene made me laugh. i texted him to let him know that his presents were much appreciated. he responded. i decided that that would be the end of my communication while he was away--first of all, he's working and if he wants to talk, he knows how to reach me; secondly, i hate texting, and i wouldn't feel comfortable actually calling (seeing as how this is the precedent that has been set)...but i'll discuss that in a minute.

anyway, so i made this "vow" that i wasn't going to contact him...which i immediately broke when i feared he thought i was a bed wetter. let me just be clear: i am NOT a bed wetter. but on Saturday, i was making up my bed (so that i could lie in it again), and i discovered this yellow circle on my fitted sheet. my first thought was "wtf?" my second thought was, "oh shit. he's going to think i pee in the bed." considering that he made up my bed before he left, he undoubtedly saw this yellow circle, and he certainly concluded that it came from pee and decided i'm a bed wetter and "oh my god!" he's never going to talk to me again. these were the thoughts tumbling around in my mind, while i paced around my room, muttering and smacking my head. i knew right then that i had to straighten this out; i was already so embarrassed and 5 days had passed since he'd made the bed, so i had to take care of this immediately. so i prepared my fingers for a lengthy text. yes, a text. back to that. if i don't quite feel comfortable just calling on a normal day to say "hey", there's no way in hell-town that i am going to call him, while he's probably working, to explain to him that the yellow stain he might have seen in my bed was not at all piss.

here's how the FOUR texts broke down:
1.I know ur busy, but i was just making up my bed and i noticed a yellow circle on the sheet, and i thought "oh no, he will think i

2. pee in the bed." But really it's fish oil!! See i'm supposed to take 2 of those yellow liquid caps at night. And one night i fell asleep with them in my hand...

3. and when i rolled over, one of them exploded in the bed. and i thought it all came out when i washed the sheets but i guess not. Anyway it's from a vitamin not

4. pee. I just needed to say that. I only pee in designated areas.

honest truth. it really is fish oil (rich in omega 3s). i know that might not sound pleasant either (in terms of something you want on your sheets), but it's better than pee in my opinion.

so...i sent the texts, smacked my head some more...and waited. a while later, he responded.

"yeah right...next thing you know you'll be telling me gary is taking you to hawaii and that he's better at pac-man than me. No liquids after 6 for you"

i was relieved. i mean, if he's joking about it, then he's not totally grossed out by me. perhaps he too is relieved, having learned it wasn't pee.

so we texted back and forth a few times, jokingly, and that was that. so...i am glad that the pee thing is over, however...the texting...

i'm not quite sure what triggered my suddenly strong aversion to it. but i know it was before i read this article:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/14/AR2007091401972.html
and this one
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/techinnovations/2006-01-29-love-texting_x.htm
because i actually went looking for articles to support my feelings. and they did.
texting/boy-talking is killing romance. and yes, it is primarily men who are proponents of this method of communication. it has replaced the phone call, allowing men to make or break plans without having to be too vulnerable or get too invested. a couple of years ago, i removed text messaging from my phone entirely. i was over it--i found it impersonal and annoying. i ended up putting it back on my phone several months later because people kept sending me messages despite the fact that i told everyone i knew not to. furthermore, i won't deny its convenience--if you're running late or in a loud place or just witnessed a cock-fight, texting can be a simple way to get your message across. even if it's something cutesy like "just thinking of you" or "miss you" or "can't wait to get you naked later". i don't mind that. but as a primary method of exchanging thoughts and ideas with your (semi) significant other...i'm not down. i want to hear your voice. men, we want to hear your voice. and i don't think we expect loooong high-school length conversations where you fall asleep and drool on the phone. just a quick "hi. how was your day? do you want to hang out tomorrow? see you then" would be ma-gi-cal. this is my conclusion based on the unofficial research i've done and my own feelings. it's a pain being caught between the generation who does nothing but TXT (LOL...OMG) and the one who used to write letters. call me a traditionalist, but i'm more in line with the latter. there's something romantic about a phone call (even when it isn't obviously romantic in context). it is where love and romance are nurtured. i am on a mission to try to get me some o' that.

i will c u L8er, L.A.

when a man loves a woman...

on the ride into work this morning, that song was playing on k-earth 101. not the michael bolton version. the authentic percy sledge version.

when a man loves a woman
spend his very last dime
tryin' to hold on to what he needs
he'd give up all his comfort
sleep out in the rain
if she said that's the way it ought to be

percy's unbridled emotion and heart-on-a-sleeve honesty was the perfect song to conclude a weekend that left me wondering, "when DOES a man love a woman?" and better yet, "when does a man love THIS woman?"

and i don't really mean love in its truest since. not how percy certainly meant it. not for the sake of this discussion. but love as in: when is a man really, really into his woman? when is the idea of spending his last dime, his last ounce of energy to be with her, not so far-fetched?

in my twisted world, i believe such sentiments should develop immediately...like gas. within a matter of weeks...who am i kidding...within a matter of DAYS, if you both parties are into each other, then yes, i believe a guy should be willing to do all he can to spend time with his lady. it's probably wrong, i know. the problem is 1) i'm a romantic; 2) i PERSONALLY would do anything i could to see a guy that i like; and 3) i'm swimming in couples for whom this is precisely the case.

you remember that show hart to hart? jonathan, the millionaire (which meant a hell of a lot more in '79 than it does today) and jennifer, his beautiful writer wife. they always got sucked into some investigation involving murder or thievery. they'd run around, dressed to the nines, waving silver plated pistols, escaping from their captors in zippy little two-seaters. and at the end of the day, they would snuggle in bed, tell each other how much they meant to the other, and the scene would fade on what was certainly about to be a night of sweet, sweet lovin'. you knew that the harts were in love. you wanted to be the harts (well, i did). i mean, any couple that could experience that much danger, excitement, adventure and still know that the only thing that truly mattered was their love for one another...that's an awesome couple. jonathan would do anything for his woman, and jennifer was down for her man without question.

now think about max, their butler/chauffeur. max had a front row seat to the hart show. he witnessed everything that went on between them--the good and the better. he knew how amazing their relationship was. in fact, he couldn't escape it. max might have had a lil' tenderoni on the side, but no relationship he was in compared to what the harts had. max (if he thought like a woman, which for the sake of this argument, he shall) would have second-guessed every relationship he was in because it was not like the harts. i, ladies and gentlemen, am max the butler/chauffeur.

lately, and this weekend once again, i found myself comparing my "relationship" to those of my friends. i happen to know a bunch of fucking prince charmings. i'm just not dating any of them. the men i know are totally into their women, and some have been dating for a lengthy bit of time (a few years) while others have not (a few months). regardless, their level of commitment, of total immersion into the relationship was immediate. they want to see their women all the time, talk to them all the time (that's if they're not living together, in which case, that's a given). they want to spend weekends and holidays with their women. they want to introduce them to their families and their friends. they want to celebrate accomplishments and sulk over disasters with them. they want them rain or shine. messy hair, yuck mouth, unshaved legs and all. i would say, they are consumed by their ladies in a way that falls short of annoying or obsessive, but is simply genuine.

so, if this is the paradigm i am most familiar with, how can i possibly think that my relationship, which is nothing like the aforementioned, is legit? or going anywhere? i see this guy twice a week (usually...), have yet to meet a local friend or relative and don't talk to him on the phone unless we're about to meet up (generally we just boy-talk). and i'm certainly not the person or place he seeks comfort in when things are awry. take this weekend for example. i figured we would see each other at some point, being that we last saw each other wednesday night/thursday morning and, as i said, we've been on a twice a week kick.

so i boy-talked him and asked when he'd like to get together. his reply was "soon." followed by 640 characters (or 4 texts) detailing what was going on with him...with a "how are you?" thrown in there. some of what he told me, i knew about. some i did not. selfishly, i didn't understand what anything had to do with his ability to see me. after all, shouldn't he want someone to cheer him up? to take his mind off things for a bit? but maybe i'm just projecting. maybe that's just what i would want. someone to hold my hand, rub my back and kiss me softly on the forehead, allowing me to forget, for a while, what it was that i was so worried about. or maybe i think that's the norm because that's what jonathan hart and my local prince charmings would want. so i wondered what it said about me, about us that he chose to keep his distance. and i let him. i told him that i was sorry and that i hope everything works out. i'm sure that somewhere in the world his behavior would be seen as normal behavior after three months, yes? not a reason to wonder or question or doubt. but again, my paradigm led me to doubt everything and to wonder why this hasn't happened or that hasn't happened and if i should be worried or just pack my bags. obviously, if he really liked me, i thought, he would have done all this stuff by now because that's what the other boys did...

but as a wise man resembling jesus said on saturday night, "all men are different." and i'm trying to remind myself of that...and include this man as someone who is not quite like the jonathan harts and other prince charmings out there. but lovely (and interested) in his own way. i try to remember the flowers he bought a couple of weeks ago (which are still alive), and the candy, and the taco he put in my fridge while i was at work. i remember that he boy-talked me as soon as he landed and makes the bed before he leaves my house. i remember that he didn't try to pressure me into sex even after two or three months and that he's cooked for me quite a few times. i try to focus on these things so that i don't feel like i am wasting my time if my relationship doesn't fit the mold i'm familiar with. so that i'm not so worried about why he hasn't asked me what my holiday plans are or introduced my to his brother. so i'm just going to relax and wait...and hopefully...maybe one day it will happen at the right time.

i am doing the smart thing, right L.A.?

well, ain't that a bitch?

i just found out that one of those guys i was dating with mild interest a year ago (in the hopes that continued dating might lead to sustainable interest...but did not) now has a girlfriend. i'm not mad about it or anything of the sort. he should have a girlfriend. he's smart, he's nice, he's successful, and maybe this new girl doesn't mind dating someone who has nothing to talk about...or maybe she doesn't have anything to talk about either. in any case, he's a good person, well-deserving of a lady. however, i couldn't help but think "ain't that a bitch?" when i heard about it because yet another male from my past has moved on and found a solid mate. and i tend to be the last stop before eternity-ville. so i guess my hang up is that i want it to be my turn. i want to be the one whose status is "in a relationship". i want to be the one whose exes are stalking her facebook page to see how attractive the "new guy" is. put me on the receiving end, please.

but i have no room for complaints right now. things are currently going well in the romance department. any guy who cooks salmon and asparagus for me while i watch the games on sunday is A-OK in my book. and then sits there and yells at the TV with me...ahh, now that's romance. he has been brimming with sweet gestures lately, so i am content. food and thoughtfulness are all you need to win me over. so i will count my blessings and say my thank yous this week. i will now officially unpack my luggage from my trip to Crazy Bitch City and relax...

i am currently sane, L.A.

i never said i wasn't a little crazy

so yes, i MAY have overreacted earlier this week. okay, scratch the "may have". however, i'm sure i would do it all over again, given the same circumstances, but i can admit, in hindsight, that i was a little hasty and irrational. of course, i'm only saying this because i got what i wanted...

my somewhat sassy text message about my late grandmothers' texting abilities garnered a response. it went something like: sorry. (insert joke about grandmas.) i had a shitty day after i landed. i'm over it now. when do you want to get together?

i decided to be direct in my reply: sorry you had a bad day. i hope today is better. considering i haven't seen you in 39 days, i can be free whenever. prioritizing is a specialty of mine.

and THAT got me the response i wanted, which was: how about tonight?

sooooo...i ended up seeing him on the second day, which isn't the first, but certainly isn't worth complaining about. afterall, i'm not his girlfriend... and the second day was the one i'd envisioned all along. ahh, The Secret, you tricky devil.

i must say that the evening was......deeeelightful. he had flowers for me. beautiful flloooowers. and candy (candy which referenced an inside joke of sorts...double points for that). i was very, very surprised. i haven't been given flowers by a guy since...high school, i think. and of course, i found some way to ruin the moment. he picked up the flowers and said, "these are for you." i said, "yeah, right. who are they really for?" why? because i really didn't think they could possibly be for me, and no way was i going to think they were only to have him be like "sike! hell naw, these ain't for you." but why would i even think something like that? that's a whole nother issue...

once i realized these nice things really were for me, i expressed my sincerest gratitude. i said something like, "thank you for my flowers. they are lovely." and i THINK he said something like, "not as lovely as you." i feel like that happened, but i could have been fading into sleepytown at that point.

so, we talked and played nintendo (including duck hunt and techmobowl) and eventually went to sleep. it was simple and fantastic. and i felt like he honestly did/does like me.

that's where it stands. i will try to maintain this level of calm in the weeks to come.
and to c. anthoney...i appreciate any cents, particularly when it comes from a male. so gratzi.

i am back from crazy town, L.A.

letter to the editor

dear MD,

okay lady friend....
i think you should cut bait with this dude... because you're waaaaay to sucked into him and he clearly is on a completely different plane of existence.
i'm sure that none of his actions were malicious or even thought out at all. in fact, i'd be willing to bet hes completely unaware.
but i dont think that time is going to heal these wounds... you're already so upset by him and you aren't even completely together yet.

i dunno... you're not crazy. i think you just reaaaaaaally want a relationship, and rightfully so. .. but this boy is not the one i don't think.
you need someone attentive and hes clearly on another planet.

thats just my two cents.

dear reader,

sadly...maybe you are right...

letter to the editor

dear MD,

first, let me reply by saying where in the hell did you go where a wax requires you to be on all fours??? I think you got bamboozled on that one and some chick just liked looking at that angle of you. Of course I would know, I've been to several different locations and never would I have hopped off of a table to do that. Furthermore, I think you should chill the fuck out! I understand the emotions and all but damn! I read this and thought I might have seen horns coming out of your head! LOL. He will call...you will hang out...and feel better in the end. Just focus on that day :)

dear reader,

first, let ME reply by saying that since you are related to me, i will excuse your snappiness. secondly, i can't "chill out". if i could, there would be no blog. furthermore, i've already sabotaged myself (something i'm good at). i sent him a text right before i went to bed saying, "dude. your text message response time is worse than my grandmas'. and they're both dead." i'm now waiting to see how that one goes over.

ps. the horns imagery was appropriate. as i said, i've been watching a lot of true blood season 2.

i wish i was asexual

i was about to title this "i wish i was a lesbian", but i'm pretty sure i would be having the same problems i'm having now only with women, and that may very well be worse than having problems with men. so i'll stick with, "i wish i was asexual", so i wouldn't have to deal with either. and if i can't be asexual, then i wish i'd grown up surrounded by male figures who bestowed in me the male love and "fuck you very much" mentality that i so desperately need and so inherently lack. but alas, i am neither asexual nor built on a foundation of male love. if i was either of those, i would not be so pissed off that that boy has been back in this city for nearly 12 hours and he has made no arrangements to see me. motherfucker.
let me start from the beginning.

so today was the day. today was the day that he was set to return after his month long, godforsaken hiatus. today. 1 month and 4 days since he was last here. 1 month and 7 days since the last time i'd seen him. needless to say, i'd been eagerly anticipating this day, as only a naive bitch could. we boy-talked briefly on sunday (boy-talk is my new term for text messaging) about football. i took his boy-talking as a good sign..."ah, yes. he's about to come back. he's reaching out, communicating, getting back in the swing of things. well done, boy. well done." monday passed, and tuesday came, and i was...not ecstatic, but i was genuinely relieved and happy that the day had finally arrived. NOT that i expected to see him today, but at least, i thought, he will be in the same city and my wait will (just about) be over.

a little before 2 this afternoon, i received a text message from him. another good sign, i thought. he's arrived, AND he's letting me know that he's here...AND making arrangements to see me...i hope. the message read:

I'm baaaaack in l.a. Going to stay at my brother's for a few days while he is out of town and i look for a new joint...come on over one of these nights!

now, in theory, i should have been happy about this right? the part of me that reads about boys and their behavior insists that i should have been content with this outreach. but i wasn't. i found something horribly wrong with it. "come on over one of these nights"? "come on over
one of these nights"? what the fuck is that? i'm not trying to install your goddamn bootleg cable or play gin rummy asshole. or see your new fucking kitty cat. i'm trying to catch up on some of that quality time that i've lacked for the past 38 (and counting) days. the same quality time that YOU should have been missing too. "come on over one of these nights" is not a plan. it is some casual bullshit that suggests nonchalance. so as this anger started to bubble up on my insides, the rational side of me (the same one that reads about boys) wanted to know WHY i was so mad.

"why?" that bitch demanded. "why are you mad now? the boy contacted you when he arrived. it's not like he waited a day or two. he invited you to come over (in a general sense). he put an exclamation point at the end of his boy-talk. what the fuck do you want, snatch?"
truth be told, i wanted him to be eager and excited. i wanted him to excited to see me. i wanted him to be as eager to see me as he would be for a free sample of pussy-flavored lollipops. i wanted some goddmamn enthusiasm. i wanted it...and simultaneously knew i wouldn't get it and should never expect it. and maybe...maybe this is his version of enthusiasm. maybe...i told myself. and i was actually sort of willing to run with that idea...NINE HOURS AGO.

17 minutes after he sent his message, i responded with:
Oh, fiiiiiinally. Well, if you are inviting me then i guess you can let me know a day. As long as your brother wont mind.

NINE HOURS ago i said that. NINE HOURS AGO. and he has said what? nothing. now, looka-here. your ass ain't working. you JUST got back in town, so i know you ain't got a bunch of shit to do. you can only look at apartments during the daylight hours, so what THE FUCK are you doing? oh, oh, ohhhh. i get it. oh, you want to do that shit where you pretend that you're not that eager. oh, okay. i get it. OR BETTER YET, maybe you really aren't that interested. fine. either way, you can fuck yourself with that.

god, i sound so evil right now. and i'm sorry. i think it's because i've been watching all these women with claws and fangs fuck people up in my true blood marathon, and i'm experiencing a little life-imitating-art here. anyway, i'm just frustrated. i sort of feel foolish -- for being pissed that he hasn't made a plan but also for waiting all this time and wanting the reunion to be a gloriously anticipated, fantastically realized one for both of us. i wanted it to be more like the NKOTB reunion, not like the NEW EDITION reunion where bobby brown didn't even show up because he was in jail or on crack or just didn't give a shit. furthermore, i feel foolish because earlier this evening i was on all fours in front of this woman with my drawz off, getting hot wax spread down the crack of my ass and then SNATCHED off for the back-half of a brazilian. motherfucker, do you think i did that shit so i could sit on my baby smooth ass WAITING on you to get your shit together? NO! furthermore, the hair on my legs (also waxed) is going to start growing back any moment now, so you are my WASTING TIME AND MY MONEY!!!! fuck.

i know one thing. shit like this will NOT get you laid. so he can forget that. that is if we ever see each other. i'm guessing we will, but if he lets enough time go by, i'm going to be so pissed that i will undoubtedly have a stank attitude and say some shit that they boy books tell you you should never say and then he'll run the other way and the whole shit will be ruined.
i'm over this whole game bullshit. and if it's not a game, then he's just being dumb, and he should know that. i will say that i do feel better having gotten this all out...

IN CONCLUSION, this day that was supposed to be met with great joy and anticipation has actually stung...both emotionally and physically.

i am going to wash the wax remnants off my legs and ass, L.A.

but wait, there’s more

after my post yesterday, my friend and i went downtown to an alumni event for a very yuppie, east coast university we both attended. i was swimming in men wearing dockers and button-downs with Mai Tais in their hands. fortunately, i hadn’t banked on their being hot, eligible men there, but it was still disappointing nonetheless that there really weren’t any (save for one or two who could have been if i really needed them to be). i was in the midst of idle chatter with people i didn’t know when my phone rang. i looked at it, didn’t recognize the out-of-state number and figured it was (again) one of those crazy solicitors i get who call me from random states (to throw me off their scent, i suppose). so i answered and immediately hung up because i didn’t even want to bother having a voicemail from them.

but then…it hit me. missouri? wait. i know someone who is in missouri…could it be? did he just call me? maybe? holy shit. and i hung up on him! i excused myself and hurried outside where i would actually be able to hear. i redialed the number only to be greeted with a message from sprint about how they were “redirecting my call to customer service.” i hung up and tried again. again with the customer service shit. gotdamnit, sprint. i know there’s probably a bill due, and you want your money, but this shit is important. furthermore, i’m still on the family plan, so you need to direct your billing inquiries and scare tactics to my mom…that’s right, my mom.

i ran back inside, asked my friend for her phone and tried again, hoping that the jersey number that was about to appear on his caller id wouldn’t prevent him from answering. if it was in fact him…it totally just could have been the wrong number…
a woman answered. damn.

“hello?”
“hi. did someone just call me?”
“who is this?” (said in a tone that read, “skank, why are you calling my house? i will cut you.” personally, i hate when people call and ask “did someone just call me?”. obviously, if you don’t know the number and they didn’t leave a message, it was the wrong number or it wasn’t that important. however, in this situation, it WAS that important.)
i gave her my name in my most pleasant voice. after all, if this DID turn out to be his mother, i didn’t want to start out with her hating me. though, i had the feeling she already did. i checked the time and added two hours. it wasn’t THAT late. but maybe she goes to bed super early, i thought, and i just woke her up. i felt very high school and feared i was about to get in trouble. there was a dropping of the phone, some rustling, indecipherable speech, a clicking of lines…all the while, i’m just waiting for her to come back and declare, “hell no, nobody called you. and do you know what time it is, young lady?”

but that didn’t happen. instead, the boy appeared on the other end. like magic. and i was delighted. and we TALKED. i did do the right thing by mentioning that i was at an event downtown (you know the whole “sound busy” thing that everyone tells you to do), but then i stood on the sidewalk for the next half an hour and talked to him so clearly i wasn’t that damn busy. we talked about him, we talked about me, about fantasy football, and the weather, and food, and animals…

i can safely say, with no neuroses and no second guesses, that this conversation was normal. deliciously normal and fun, and i feel, truly feel, that everything might actually be okay. i know exactly when he’s returning, he mentioned seeing my new place and making dinner, blah blah…so everything really, really might be fine. and i might not have to be a spaz anymore (notice i inserted might into all these statements). but honestly, for the first time in a month, i feel like i can exhale and nothing is going to fall apart.

i am thankful for small miracles, L.A.

post-op

i swear it's not the jinx that's kept me away. there have been too many changes. too many uncertainties for me to put down on e-paper. it's hard to talk in the midst of a tornado...whether self-imposed or not. and it's not that i have a better grip on things now but perhaps by writing about it, i can stop being in my head so much. ...not likely, but it's worth a shot, yes?

so, i have a roommate now. a friend i've known for a few years. financially, it's a better situation, and i DO like the place we moved into significantly more than i have liked any other place i have lived in in this city. however, it is a bit strange to go from living alone for however many years to living with someone...well two someones (due to a long set of complicated circumstances, her boyfriend has been there for the past 3 weeks). so i feel a bit like the third wheel on a tricycle (unnecessary and somewhat out of place). you want to know what is NOT a cure for a lovelorn heart? living with a couple. no matter how lovely the people or how un-pda they may be, there's something...i don't know...awkward about it. but anyway, it is what it is for now, and it's only temporary, so that's all i will say about that.

(insert 12 minutes of picking at my cuticle and listening to tevin campbell's "i'm ready").

so...the guy. ugh. the idea of even trying to write about this makes me want to delete this whole thing. i don't know where that stands. next week, it will be a month that he's been gone. and next week he is scheduled to return. i will be glad when he does so that we can either pick up where we left off or i can go on about my business. i would certainly prefer it if it were the former, but there were a few times over these past weeks when i was certain it was the latter. for example, i sent him a text message AND a cute, funny email prior to his surgery (oh, did i mention that he went home to have a lil' surgery?), and you know what he said to my cute, funny email and well-wishing text? nothing. nada. nein. now, we had corresponded through text prior to that once or twice when he initially left (he doesn't really talk on the phone, which is fine as i'm learning that most guys don't. but that also leads me to wonder wtf guys did before text messaging. seriously? like how were people hooking up prior to the convenience of not actually having to talk to the person you wanted to do?). anyway the texting was rare but fine. a week passed. then came my attempt at wishing him a "happy surgery." then nothing. another week passed. in that time, i went from thinking that he was just really tired and needed to heal and would contact me when he could...to cursing his every breath when he found time to update his facebook status with phrases like "i like all things buxom" (which for those of you who've never seen me...is the f.u.r.t.h.e.s.t. thing from what i am). arg. so i blocked his facebook updates and prepared to "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" his ass all out of my head. how rude, i thought. not even so much as a thank you? or a "i made it through. i'm alive."? common courtesy would dictate that you say something, right? so obviously, you not responding to me means that you're a dick.

well, what i didn't know (and i mean SERIOUSLY did not know because it didn't and still doesn't make sense to my brain) is that, on average, guys tend not to respond to communications that lack questions. now this is obviously a generalization and does not apply to everyone, but according to THREE women i know, this is indeed the case for a lot of men. so, i was advised, i should not take the silence personally but rather understand that this is merely a male behavioral thing and that if i want to actually hear from him, i better ask him something.

i told myself i wasn't going to ask him ANYTHING, but a few days later, after i finished a basket of honey's kettle chicken and fries (and some other shit happened), i decided that i needed answers. i needed to know how the fuck he was doing, when the fuck he was coming back and if he would in fact respond to my damn email. so i composed an email and loaded that bitch with questions. five to be exact. so he'd have no damn excuse.

it read:
are you in pain? do you have a hole in your belly that's covered with gauze? did they give you your gallbladder in a jar when you woke up? essentially, how are you feeling post-surgery? i hope you are much better. and when are you coming baaaaaack to lala???

his response was:
yes. yes. no. so-so. Soon.

which pissed me off to no end. i mean, really! i understand guys aren't verbal creatures, but wtf? one word answers? one word answers! i couldn't decide if a half-ass response was worse than no response at all. no response means "i'm dead" (rarely) or "i'm not interested" (usually). either way, it boils down to " leave me alone." a half-ass response means "i'm PROBABLY not interested, but i want to go to heaven one day, and i might not get there if ignore you, so i'm doing this purely for selfish, posthumous reasons." well, i thought, at least i know where i stand...i guess. but man, what a dick move. again, i was cuing up the "eternal sunshine" shit when, 8 minutes after the first email, i received a longer, better email...with words and shit.

this one read:
Surgery went fine, but when they do laproscopic surgery, they inflate your stomach with lots of air, so they can see around inside the belly area. In my case, they used a bit too much air pressure (which is necessary when someone has so very much muscle like myself) and the air ended up over-stretching my diaphragm to the point of tearing some muscle in my shoulder. This caused about a week of very very intense pain in the shoulder, and inability to sleep the first 3 nights (which is worse than pain). I was on so many painkillers my brain was soup for a week. The shoulder pain is mostly gone, my stomach barely hurts, and I'm finally off painkillers. I need to see my Dr. on Monday for my follow-up so he can clear me to travel. After that, I'll either come back to LA on the 23rd, or wait a few extra days so I can see my cousins' band play a big show on the 25th. How have you been? What's new?

oh shit. elaboration! and wait, what's that? are those questions for me at the end!?!? snap. jackpot. of course, my high was tempered by the first email. i mean, why couldn't we just do this (the second one) the first time? or combine the two? why put me through the agony (that you had no idea i would go through) with the one word answers? whatever. i got an email. with words. and questions. and i was satisfied. furthermore, i responded to his email AND got a response back. it was a communication orgy!

i will try not to analyze these emails. actually, i have already analyzed them; i will just spare you the agony of going through my analyses with me. suffice it to say that i have concluded that they sound "normal" and all indicators point to a "resumption of previous activity upon return". this, of course, could be totally wrong. maybe it is. maybe it isn't. maybe it is. maybe it isn't. round and round. this is why i just want him to come back so i can know...one way or another.

am i being crazy. (yes. i heard some yesses in the background). but you can totally stop liking someone in a month. or have a change of heart. hell, you can do it a lot faster than that. good lord, i'm paranoid. i just need to relax and wait. what's another week?

p.s. to panic and panties

did i mention that i still haven't even saved his number in my phone?
that's how weird/freaked out/uncertain/mentally scarred/just plain crazy i am.
maybe if we make it to the end of the year, i'll save it. maybe...

and i still haven't purchased those undies.

panic and panties

so remember the guy who was sending all the text messages and whatnot, and i was so not interested, and then he friended me on facebook, and i was like, "damn, i'll be glad when i get a boyfriend, so i can change my status to 'in a relationship' and then this douche will leave me alone." well, once again, the joke is on me because that fucker just changed his status to "in a relationship." mutherfucker! i mean, i don't give a shit that he's off the market but merely that he's off the market before me. uggghhh. i saw her pictures. she's aiight. she's no janet reno or anything, but i'm sure she makes him happy, and they have these ridiculously cheesy FB exchanges. for example, under a photo of him, they had the following correspondence yesterday...

her: Sexy businessman. Do you have a girlfriend?
Yesterday at 10:02pm
him: yes...you and she look alot alike! *wink*
Yesterday at 10:04pm
her: Wow then she is hot. Oh well, she is lucky.
Yesterday at 10:06pm
him: i think i'm the lucky one...
Yesterday at 10:07pm

and i am the unlucky one to have stumbled across this. i wasn't FB stalking, i swear. but i saw that wretched red heart, indicating that someone had found love, and i couldn't help myself.

as for me and the guy...well, things have been normal, which is enough to cause panic. normal = seeing each other a couple of times a week with an unspoken understanding that we will be sleeping in the same bed at the end of each excursion. the other day, as i was lying in bed after an enthusiastic make-out session, i thought to myself, it's sad that i'm at the age where sex is pretty much a given. i mean, when you're almost 30, you can't very well get by on first, second and sometimes third bases (which one is third, again?) for very long. at some point, you're going to have to bring it on home. and it's not that i don't want to. it's just that there's something particularly sweet and innocent and...tidy about a relationship in which sex has not entered the picture. i mean, i'm not clingy, i don't need to talk to him all the time, i don't need to see him all the time, i don't feel any emotional extremes. i don't care THAT much about random girls on his FB page. i feel under control. and aside from all that, a pre-sex relationship is just...i dunno...it's beautiful and fun in it's own pressure-less way. and once you do it, it's done. there's no more anticipation of it. it's a part of the relationship, and you will continue to do it with this person until you 1) break up or 2) die. fortunately, no pressure has been imposed on me to do it, though DESIRES have been expressed as of late, which led me to consider all of this. my only hesitations, aside for the aforementioned, are that i don't want a guy to be intimate with me AND other women, and i need to know that he's going to stick around. call that whatever you want (a relationship or just an understanding), those are my requirements.

so how do i know that a guy is going to stick around? well, i will never know for sure, but at what point do i at least FEEL like he will? i don't know. but it's not right now, i'll tell you that much. perhaps to normal folks, a two month span of hanging out would be a good indication, but not for me. two-month-marks are when folks disappear or reveal that they are still in love with someone else, so i'm going to wait this one out and brace for any impending disasters. he is leaving today for three weeks or so, which is good and bad. good because i at least won't have to think about fornication for a good month. bad because i may never have to think about it again if he 1) forgets about me or 2) comes back and wants nothing to do with me. three weeks is a long time. anything can happen, and i still have insecurities when it comes to relationships and 21+ days is plenty of time for them to fester, multiply and spread.

and just a note to el mero mero, who left a comment on my last entry. first, thanks for reading. but i haven't avoided commenting on the boy simply because he's doing all the right things and is therefore unentertaining and not worthy of writing about. i mostly avoided writing about him because i didn't want to jinx it. i am a big believer in the jinx. for example, if i'm dating a guy that i really like and i buy new underwear, the relationship ends shortly thereafter. i swear! so i avoid purchasing new undies (but i really, really need some new ones right now, so i've had this full online shopping cart all day, but i'm afraid to click "checkout" because of what may happen). things that are important to me, things i truly care about, i actually don't talk about. i'd rather just see how they go and then discuss retrospectively. not just relationship stuff but career stuff as well. also, i figured that the people who read this thing, read it because of the crazy shit that happens to me, and if they wanted sap, they'd go elsewhere. perhaps i'm wrong.
but nice guys deserve all the props in the world, and if you're one of them, i'm saluting you today.

okay, but i seriously don't know what all is included in third base, L.A. a lil' help...?

apologies

tonsil infections and boys who behave themselves make manlessdogless a very dull blogger.

update

yeah, so quick update. he called the day after i wrote that last entry. and...yeah, i was overreacting. okay, okay what else is new (at least when it comes to stuff like this). it's just some gallstones that will require the removal of the gallbladder at some point in the future, and he will likely go home to do it and to recover, but that should only be for a week. and that's it...no moving away for a "little while." no severe pain that keeps him from seeing me, as we did see each other last weekend (we went to dinner, we watched tv, blah blah blah, he stayed over) and more recently we went to disneyland (we rode the rides, watched the fireworks, blah blah blah, i stayed over). so for now, the waters are calm. i am enjoying myself and having fun, which is something i haven't been able to say in a while as it pertains to this aspect of my life.

one hit wonders

so, since the emailing back and forth, we saw each other. and it was lovely and wonderful. we ate, he made me margaritas, we saw 500 days o' summer, which wasn't the best call on my part, but hey, what can you do? we ate jello jigglers, we laid on the balcony under a blanket, blah blah blah, i called in sick to work the next day, and we laid in bed. sigh... i had fun.

anyway, the next day he was leaving to go home for a wedding and his friend's memorial service, and he said he would call when he got back. now, i KNOW that when we lying under the moon he said the memorial service was going to be on the 14th, and i unsuccessfully prepared myself not to talk to him for 2.5 whooole weeks. however as of last night, he is back, so i heard, which means (i guess) that the service happened early than anticipated. anyway, that doesn't bother me. but there are a few things that give me pause, like something about him having his gallbladder removed and his body shutting down and him planning to go back home for a while and...something about working with dogs. this is all very piecemeal because this is second hand information as told to me by my friend who overhead all of this as she was pretending to be asleep in her boyfriend's room (her boyfriend is friends and roommates with this guy). okay, first off, i feel very bad for him if he is having some health issues, whether they be related to the stress of what's going on or something else. i really do. but in the midst of feeling badly, i also think i hear TAPS playing in the background, signifying the end of this whole affair. i mean, a gallbladder? going home for a while? dogs? this certainly doesn't look good for love. and then i wonder why it is that i always seem to meet guys who are in the midst of some inaccessible period. the "i just broke up with someone and i'm not looking for anything serious" period. the "i'm living in my car, trying to get my self together" period. the "i just want to hang out with my friends and play volleyball" period. the "my ex is stalking me and threatened to kill herself if i date anyone else" period. ugh. granted, the gallbladder period is one that this poor guy has no control over, so i'm not faulting him at all. it's just...interesting i suppose that guys, the ones i like anyway, are never in a position to have a relationship. and yet those are the ones i want. out of a room of 100 eligible men, i will undoubtedly pick the ineligible one. sigggggghhhhh.

maybe i'm jumping the gun and this won't be the case, but if i examine my track record.... and i KNOW you should only look forward and not backward, but wouldn't one be stupid not to heed past warnings?
whatever. i don't know. i don't even know how i feel about this yet. maybe i don't care. hopefully, i don't care. maybe he'll call me and tell me all this and we'll say our goodbyes and whatnot...and maybe not. i guess i should work on training myself not to think about this or him at all. agh!

i think my defense mechanisms are out of control, L.A.

remorse

so, i know some of you, most of you will be dismayed to know that i fb emailed the boy. i DID feel better after doing it though, so that was good. i wasn't stewing over it anymore.
then i got a friend request him. no response, just a friend request, and i was like wtf?
then i got the response, and holy crap was it a response. the exchange is copied below. and the details have been confirmed by an external source.

from me:
so in the three weeks since we first hung out there's been nary a phone call or a plan to go out again (aside from the one initiated by me). honestly, it's fine that you're not interested, but when you seem as though you are, in person, it gets confusing and leads to hurt feelings and all that jazz.

i still think you're a great person and all that, but i wish you would have been straight up or just kept it platonic or whatever. that would have been okay.

anyway, i'm not one for holding things like this in, so i just needed
to say that.


from him:

I'm very sorry, I've been a bit screwed up for the past couple of weeks. My best friend back home died last week, on the morning of my birthday. He has battled cancer for the past 2 years, and when it seemed like he was in the clear, what began as a mild skin cancer, came back again this year, and had spread to his brain and lungs. His father is a brain surgeon, and was doing everything imaginable to help him, and we were all certain he'd get better. However, he got very very sick about three weeks ago, and was hospitalized, and on the morning of my birthday, right as I was getting ready for a day of fun and celebrating, I got the call that he passed away. It came as a huge shock. Even though he was sick, he rarely let us know how bad it was. He was extremely private about his illness, and barely even let his best friends come see him, as he was embarrassed how he looked, frail with a bald head and many many scars from surgeries. Another one of our good friends is getting married next weekend in Chicago, and I was going to be in St. Louis along with some of the other guys for a few days, and we had all planned to go see him and cheer him up, but now that will never happen. I've never lost anyone close to me, so I'm not very good at dealing with this. I have so much to say to him, but I'll never be able to. Instead of seeing his always smiling face when I go home next week, I'll be attending his memorial.

I've barely slept at all this week and I cry whenever I think about him. He was such an incredible guy, and such a good friend, that this all seems so surreal. So, I'm sorry I've been out of touch, but this is just a really screwed up time for me. I really like you, and have a had a lot of fun hanging out, but I'm just not thinking straight lately, and I don't want to project all my sorrow onto someone else, especially someone I'm trying to seem cool in front of! My brother and parents have been helping me deal with this, they were close to John
as well, as he's been like a brother to me since we met in first grade. The past couple of days have been getting better, but I'm still a wreck. Again, I'm sorry, but this is a bit of a selfish time for me. I feel like a jerk for not calling you. I didn't know how to tell you all this over the phone. I understand if you're angry or frustrated with me, I would be, too. It's not like me to be such a jerk, so please don't think this is how I am....I'm just trying to get my head straight.


from me:

i am so, so, so, so, sorry. truly. deeply. and i feel like a snatch for sending that email and adding to what you have going on. i'm sorry. really i am. though i have never lost a friend, i can imagine that you are going something unbelievably difficult and that you just need to do whatever brings you the most comfort right now.

so i understand. and i appreciate you explaining it to me. if there is anything i can do to help you (including making jello jigglers), please let me know. and when you are feeling a little better, if you want to hang out, let me know that too.

again, i'm sorry. i'll be thinking of you.

***so that's that. i felt bad for even wondering if this was all true. trust issues? anyway, his friend did in fact pass away, and i do in fact feel so very bad. but at least now i know, and i can stop thinking bad things about him.

letter to the editor (continued from earlier)

from manlessdogless:

1. i never friended him on fb because i didn't want to have to unfriend him if some shit like this happened. i also never saved his number in my phone for the same reason. this is how i am with guys now. sad but true. i don't "save" them anywhere b/c i feel, unfortunately, that they are bound to disappear.

2. i don't think he's a bad person. at all. in fact, i think he's a good person (generally speaking). so what do i say? seriously. what would i say? how dare you act like you like me and have fun with me and make me laugh and then not call? i sound crazy...

3. how the fuck did you know he was a weed head? for real. how did you know that?! i'm pretty sure he smokes everyday.


dear md:

1)fine. i hate that this is your defense mechanism now. you are so wonderful... i have no idea why you have such sour luck. you are the real deal.

2)he may not be a BAD person... but hes careless with himself and his actions. he needs to understand YOUR perception of the situation and how let down you were. based on your expectations from HIS behavior.

3) i thought he was a stoner partially b/c you called him dopey... and also because he doesn't sound like a horrible dick (b/c he would have tried to fuck you when you spent the night)... AND that would be a reasonable explanation for why hes so completely god damn clueless. no excuse though. seriously, i smoke pot NEARLY everyday and i'm not a fucking clueless moron.
you don't spend time with people like that if you're not romantically interested...
and if you do... you need to be CLEAR that s not what you're thinking and understand
that circumstances like that (staying up all night talking, watching fire works under a blanket, spending the night)... that intimacy...can lead people to have those romantic feelings.

god. hes such a doofus.

your note doesn't have to be scathing or unkind... but can be firm and just let some things out. ..
and who cares if he thinks your crazy? hes on another planet.
let him take the fall for all your tears and strife.

letter to the editor

dear md:
have you heard from whats his name? why don't you email him lettng him know the error of his ways... kindly but firmly. it may help you feel better AND let him in on a little secret. ... that hes one big ole stoop thoughtless asshole.

from manlessdogless:
thought about it. then i realized that it wouldn't do any good. and i would seem foolish. plus, i don't have his email so i'd have to facebook email him, and that's lame.

dear md:
do it. fuck him. fb message that mother fucker.
it doesn't matter if it does any good.
give him an ear full.
someone has to let him have it so he MAY potentially understand one day.
don't make it personal to you per se... just highlight his issues as a person...
and how he relates to others and how he just can't do what he did...
or at the very least that it just isn't right.

is he a stoner? it sounds like it.

closed

so i've been negligent, but only because i wanted to see how this story was going to pan out before i went yapping about it. so here it goes. it all started on the 2nd of July. my friend had a pre-holiday party, and i went. i meant to only stay for an hour or so and then head to this new dance class i'd started, but as fate would have it, there was a boy, and he was cute, and smart, and funny, and he seemed to like ME. holy shit. j-j-j-jackpot! so my one hour turned into 7 hours, and i spent most of the time talking to him or playing with him or against him in some game. toward the end, he asked me what i was doing for the 4th, i said nothing, and he invited me to go with him and his friends (and my friend) to the beach. splendid. fast forward to the end of the night: he walked me to my car, got my number and away i went. when i got home, i realized i had a text from him that said it was great to meet me and he would talk to me soon. yipee skipee!

moving on to the 4th of July. a group of us biked from his house, down to the beach then down the coast, stopping at their friends' beach parties. in all, it was about a 17 mile trip. exhausting but fun. we talked more that day and biked together at times. i played a little football with him at the beach, then ended up throwing the ball around with these other random guys who commented on what a nice spiral i had. he heard it (read: he was totally attracted to me at this point). pause--i feel like, i should give him a name. let's call him dopey--not just because he smokes a lot but because his actions are dopey, as you will see momentarily.

so at about mile 16 my crotch starts to hurt, and he mentioned that his bottom hurt. we decided that instead of biking to the last party, we would detour to his house and get the car, which we did. well, we did the first part. but we never made it to the party because we ended up sitting on his balcony and watching the fireworks while wrapped up in a blanket (ridiculously romantic) and talking...and talking...and talking.... we talked from 8 p.m. to 3 a.m. about the most random things. and he made me laugh. and he made me a turkey burger. and he didn't try anything. he was respectfully affectionate, but he didn't even try to kiss me...until we were in his bed. fully pajama clothed i will say. and even then, the kiss was very pg-13. then we go to sleep.

we wake up the next morning and TALK SOME MORE. no funny business. we lie around for a couple of hours, he offers to take me to my car, but my friend shows up, and i ride with her instead. he walks me to her car, we hug, and then he says, "i'll be in touch." for the first time, in all the hours i've been around him, i'm like "wtf?" "i'll be in touch" sounds like what the head of HR says after an interview when you probably didn't get the job. needless to say, i felt weird about it, but i tried not to let it put a damper on an otherwise delightful weekend.

Monday.
Tuesday.
Wednesday.
Thursday.

by wednesday, i was already convinced that he didn't like me, and that it was going to be another one of those "thank you God for getting my hopes up only to watch me crash and burn. i totally needed that" things. by thursday, i think i was delirious because i don't remember how i felt. i do remember talking to two friends who suggested that i text/call him respectively. based on his response, you will know if it's a yay or nay, they said. and if it's a nay, at least you will know and you can stop torturing yourself. true. and though making the first move goes against my southern principles, i decided to be a 90s woman and call him.

and he actually picked up the phone. and we actually had a decent, though brief, conversation. he was on his way somewhere, but he did ask me what i was doing that weekend and i asked him what he was doing and blah blah he said let's talk tomorrow (friday) and figure something out. sigh of relief. okay, that wasn't so bad. being a 90s woman does have its perks.

Friday.

he called at 9:24 p.m. just late enough for me to consider (and re-consider) that he probably wasn't going to call. but he did, and i felt good b/c it seemed like he might actually be a fellow who sticks to his word. novel idea. we made plans for sunday.

Sunday (july 12...just for reference).

i got over to his house around 2. we hung out on the balcony again and yes, talked some more. then we went to see a movie, came back, hung out more. he cooked dinner, we played thumb war and watched a baseball game on tv. he made smoothies. we kept it PG. i left around 12:30. again, he walked me to my car, and this time he said "later." i can't decide if that was better or worse than "i'll be in touch."

Monday.
Tuesday.
Wednesday.
Thursday.

here we go again. except this time, i had no urge to call. i was just going to see what he did. except i didn't do that. i texted him on thursday because i found out the place he and his roommate were staying in sold, and they had to be out in 30 days. we chatted about 640 characters worth about that, and then i was SERIOUSLY done.

Saturday.

saturday was his birthday. 29th. now once upon a time, when we were lying in bed, he mentioned that he was going to have a party with his friend and that i should come. fast forward to a week later, he said they weren't going to have the party instead they were just going to get a group together and go out, probably to hollywood. so when saturday rolled around and i hadn't heard a peep out of him, i knew i wouldn't be popping out of a makeshift cake with my "happy birthday, cutie" t-shirt on as i'd planned. in fact, i wasn't even sure i would wish him a happy birthday at all. the part of me that had resolved that this was in fact one of those "thanks, God. i'll add this to my douchebag collection" scenarios was like, "screw him. i'm not wishing him a happy birthday. he can bite me!" but the part of me that is a good person retorted, "now, now. that isn't very nice. you can at least say happy birthday since you have spoken about it. and THEN be done with him." as my friend and i were driving that afternoon to pasadena, i asked her what i should do, being that she knew him and had witnessed this debacle from day one (it was at her house that i met him). she said i should text him. which i did. "happy birthday," i said. his response was...
i'll fill that line in, if and when i get a response. ssss...burn. on myself.

Sunday.

yesterday. i'm with this same friend having dinner. i learned that after we had parted ways on Saturday, she and her "new boo" went out and had dinner in honor of dopey's birthday and the other boy's birthday. as we were eating, she said, "oh yeah, dopey asked me where you on Saturday." "what do you mean he asked you where i was?" "he asked me where you were when we were at dinner, and i told him that i'd seen you earlier that day and then i dropped you off." ugh. what do you mean where am i? obviously i'm not where YOU are because you didn't invite me. remember? and if you wanted to see me, maybe you should have called, or texted or sent a fucking carrier pigeon for crying out loud. but obviously, you did not. my friend said that she doesn't think he's a mean-spirited person (i agree) nor does she think he does (not do) the things he does (not do) to be a dick. she thinks he's just....dopey.

whatever the case may be, i've had enough. at first, i'd simply decided that i would totally keep my mouth shut when i meet someone who's a potential (which is sort of what i've been doing anyway). no sense in talking about it when it could very well result in nothing and then you're left explaining to people what happened and why another one bit it. then i decided that i just have to be more positive because clearly my "negativity" is breeding attraction to numbnuts. but it's hard to be really positive when the things you tell yourself you shouldn't think kept being reinforced. you follow? so, ultimately, i've decided that i'm retiring. i'm out the game. i'm hanging up the heavyweight chastity belt. no more boys. no more flirting. no more waiting for phone calls. no more initiating. no more excuses. no more wishful thinking. no more disappointment. i am physically incapable of handling anymore. so i'm done. i'll BE the old cat lady. i don't care.

after dealing with this nonsense and spending all day Saturday and Sunday with three girlfriends, separately, who are in lovely, happy relationships (all of whom i am sincerely happy for), it was just a bit much. too much. and it's not that i don't believe in love and romance and all that stuff b/c i've seen it with my own eyes, and i know people who live it and breathe it, but i, personally, don't feel like sticking my foot in the water anymore. that in itself makes me somewhat sad, but it is what it is, n'est-ce pas? and if i'm going to try to make something of myself career-wise, i can't be mending my heart every five minutes.

and that's the new me, L.A.

3 days, fool?

i just learned about this 3 day rule business where a guy is supposed to wait three days to call a girl. by waiting exactly three days, that's supposed to be long enough to intrigue her and make him not seem desperate. one day = desperate! two days = still kinda desperate! three days = omg eligible bachelor who made time for me! bullshit. 72 hours is a long freaking time, and personally, i'm more flattered by a guy who calls sooner rather than later. put it like this, you waiting three days isn't going to make me want you more; it's just going to piss me off. if i don't want you when you call on day 1 or day 2, then i'm not going to want you when you call on day 3 or 20. but that's just how i feel. i didn't know people actually adhere to such rules. does this make sense? does this actually add value and benefit to the relationship? do women do this too or just men? in honor of this conundrum, i have a new poll. i also welcome comments.

i can barely wait 3 hours for anything let alone 3 days, L.A.

if at first you don't succeed

him (2:10 p.m.): What's ur link 4 findin u on facebook

i guess if after 6 hours, i'm not giving in, you might as well take what you can get, n'est-ce pas?

me (2:36 p.m.): link? My page is under my name.

him (2:53 p.m.): there are like 5 of u..

well, i'm pretty sure the photos will help you narrow it down, considering all the other girls are white!!!

him (3:04 p.m.): Which is u?

me (3:05 p.m.): i'm the brown one.

seriously. wtf?!!? first of all, i welcome distractions at work, but you are annoying the shit out of me. secondly, you saw me! wtf do you mean, which one is me? the one that looks like me!

him (3:08 p.m): I didn't even c a pic of u...that was the problem!

are you fucking yelling at me? don't get mad at me because you don't now how to work the goddamn facebook.

me (3:11 p.m.): Yeah, i don't know what to tell you.

him (3:11 p.m.): Ok. I'll try it again l8r..kisses

gag me.

morning text

so i met this guy when i was home last month. he's the cousin of a friend i've known since second grade. that heifer swore up and down that the three of us were just going to lunch; it was not a hookup. lies! it was totally a hookup. except the parts didn't match at all. it was like trying to put an american plug into a european outlet. at least that's what it was like for me. apparently, for him it was more like solving a rubix cube. he did buy me drinks when we moved on to the bars, which was nice, except that i don't really drink that much. and i will say that he is a nice, intelligent individual. HOWEVER. 1) let's not talk about oral sex at lunch the first day that we meet. 2) i know that i can be amusing sometimes, but there's no need for you to double over with laughter and conveniently bury YOUR head in MY lap 3) if there's a hair in my face, just tell me. i'll get it. but thank you for trying and almost poking my eye out. 4) you have no reason to touch my inner thigh. you haven't left anything in that region. also, just as a side note, if you're going to push a $60/70,000 vehicle, let's make sure we take the carmax sticker off the back. i'm just saying. and not because i give a shit about cars (obviously this didn't make me want him anymore). i've dated guys with no cars, shitty cars and ones who lived in their cars, so that makes no difference to me, but if one is going to floss, one should keep their shit tight. aiight?

anyway, this all happened the day before i left to come back to LA, and he's been sporadically text messaging ever since. most of his texts, actually all of them, have been along the lines of "hey!! how are you?!?" and really, there are only so many ways to say "fine" and "good", and even if i was interested, this is absolutely no way to sustain a 1200+ miles relationship.

so at 7:40 this morning, i get another "hey u!! how are you?!?" text. this is way too early for casual texting. i responded a little less than an hour later.

me (8:28 a.m.): Good. Thanks. You?

though i may not be interested, as hopefully demonstrated by my lame response, i'm also not rude, so i HAD to ask how he was doing in return.

him (8:29 a.m.): I'm good. Thanks. U were on my mind this a.m. What's been up?

here i paused b/c i find it baffling when people ask you questions over text message that hint at elaborate responses. how much detail am i really going to go into in 160 characters? i can't not respond, and i can't say "nothing" because i don't want to sound like i need someone to bring excitement to my life. and i'm annoyed that i have to actually think about this...

me (8:40 a.m.): Taking over the world. The usual.

him (8:42 a.m.): Lol...thats wsup! I wanna c u..

dun, dun, duuuuuun. and here it is. the text of doom. the one i was really hoping would never see the light of day. but here it is. he wants to see me. he wants to see me! wtf am i supposed to say to that? i'll tell you what i say to that.

me (8:48 a.m.): Well, I'm on facebook.

him (8:50 a.m.): Physically see u..

what's with the 2 periods after everything? it's either one or three. two periods means nothing. if your period button is stuck, get it fixed.

before i had to come up with some other subtlely smartass remark, he continued.

him (8:51 a.m.): Ure still not back b4 xmas?

me (8:51 a.m.): Correct.

my quickest response yet. now please don't suggest coming out here, please don't, please don't, please don't...

him (8:52 a.m.): K..was just tellin u that..not that u could do anything abt it..lol

again with the 2 periods! but that was overshadowed by my relief.

10 minutes of celebratory silence. then...

him (9:02 a.m.): Keep killin 'em talk with u soon..

and that was the end of that. for now. so, i'm wondering, is the plan to keep texting me until xmas and then hangout and fall head over heels? and does that work? i guess if i liked him, i'd be totally into it. i guess if i liked him i would have taken the bait and suggested he come out for a visit. but i don't. alas. and the sad part is that his area code is similar to the area code of a guy i actually do want to talk to, so for half a second, i i actually was excited. sigh (insert three periods)

i HAVE blocked text messaging on my phone before and i can do it again, L.A.

for reals???

i would really, REALLY like to know (for the two people who have responded to the new poll and the others who may respond with a yes) what you say to a friend when you suspect, again SUSPECT, that the person they are IN LOVE WITH is gay. i need to know. how do you even bring that up? comments, s'il vous plait.

also, the pictures of al sharpton grinding at MJ's memorial are di-stur-bing. you have to see it to believe it.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/30/al-sharpton-dances-for-mi_n_223623.html

kissing cousins

i am delighted to know so many noble people who would tell their friend about their questionable significant other or tell the friend's s.o. to back off. not one of you would take the friend up on their offer.

really? not one?

granted, that's out of 14 responses. so either my jerry springer folks decided to keep quiet or this blog only attracts the most wholesome 14 people in the world. either way, it's a privilege to know you. i did not vote in this survey. i'm not sure why. i don't think i know what i would do. i certainly wouldn't take the friend up on their offer. not to say i haven't sort of done it before. but that was a special set of circumstances. my boyfriend of five years broke up with me when i was 20 and invited his law school floozie home for the holidays (they are now married, and i only refer to her as a floozie because that's how i felt at the time. i'm sure she's a lovely wife now). anyway, i was beyond devastated. hello? i'd been with him since i was 15. so when his cousin hit on me and proceeded to stick his tongue in my mouth, i didn't object. i was attention hungry, i guess. heartbroken for sure. and just wanted to keep in all in the family (lame!). i did feel bad, and i think my ex suspected something and totally got mad at ME and called me all sorts of names. i wasn't even the one who initiated it, furthermore i was the one who told the cousin that this could not go on and that he should not come and visit me in LA.

i wouldn't do it now, but i admit that i did it then. at least i got it out of my system when i was young. right? so my future hubby can rest easy. i'm not the cheating kind.

on a separate note, next Tuesday marks my 2 year anniversary at this job. i have NEVER worked anywhere for 2 years, and i certainly didn't think this would place would hold the record. damn. 24 months. and here i thought i'd be here for 6 months. max. funny how that happens. actually, not funny at all. i've been actively doing my Secret stuff and vision board business, trying anything to get the hell out of dodge. so far no dice. the managers have been sending my scripts out, something i am eternally grateful for, and have gotten good feedback, but none of the shows have positions open right now. so i wait.

on a separate separate note, one of my co-workers, who always manages to say something subtlely offensive and yet wants to hang out with me (e.g. co-worker to me: "if someone asked me, i would say you were nice, but i definitely wouldn't say friendly. hey do you want to see a movie this weekend?"). i think she's a well-meaning individual with an uncanny ability to rub folks the wrong way. anyway, she's wearing these sandals with coins on them, and the coins jingle. so every time, she walks up and down the hallway (which is a lot), it sounds like poodles with fucking bells on their collars are prancing around. it's annoying. but these sandals are brand new, and she loves them, so she is going to rock the hell out of them.

finally. a new survey. this is a result of a personal experience. a friend's sister found out her husband of many years was not into chicks. and when she told her friends, who had pretty much suspected it all along, she was pissed that they hadn't said anything before. what does one do in that situation? respond.

i think i'm going to neverland, L.A.

michael...

i will ALWAYS be a fan. he was an amazing talent. first concert i ever saw. his passing truly, truly saddens me.

the flatulence factor

my boss. i love her. i do. she's great. as much as i may want to run away from my job (barefoot...over broken glass), it's not because of my boss. she's a great person. an amazing dresser. and classy as hell. but damnit if she didn't just poot next to my head. we were looking at something on my computer. i was seated, she was standing, and she just let one pop. it wasn't a deadly one, but i had to close my lips for a few minutes, just cuz it was so damn close to my mouth. she did say excuse me though (i told you she was classy).

this incident led me to thoughts of poots and how poots, toots and "silent but deadlies" factor into a relationship. when you live with someone or even when you just spend beaucoup time together what's the poot rule? i personally don't believe the whole shit about "when he farted in front of me, i knew he felt comfortable around me and that we'd be together for a long time." that's not the sign of comfort i'm looking for. show me the scar where your third nipple used to be, tell me about how you made out with your cousin when you were kids, scratch your balls, but don't toot. now don't get me wrong, i know it's natural, we all do it, and sometimes it can't be helped. but that's what i'm getting at. how do you incorporate that into a relationship? after the initial months of being on good behavior and barely even breathing around one another, what's the initiation of the poot? seeing as how i've never lived with a man and the last time i had a serious relationship, ipods did not exist...wait...holy shits!! for real? (per wikipedia, yes, very for real...damn that was a long time ago.) anyway, given that, i don't know how this works. and what happens when you're in the bed? do you just hope the person's asleep? fan the sheets? obviously, you're not going to get up every time. and the sex poot? what does one do when the pot gets to stirrin' during intercourse? these are things i'd like to know. and are there people who just don't do it around their significant other, and if so, i applaud you and your exceptionally strong rectal muscles. and i invite you to share your technique as well.

of course, this poot discussion leads to a load of other questions. like guys, if your girlfriend's vijay smells a lil' sour, do you tell her? ladies, if you're doing your man's laundry and you see skid marks in his boxer briefs, do you give him a "wiping your ass" tutorial? i don't mean to gross y'all out, so i'll stop, but i feel these are genuine concerns. these are things i need to know should i get a man before the next i______(insert technology) comes out. who's the brave soul that's willing to comment on this? and don't forget the poll at the bottom...

i just heard another boss toot, but it was at her desk this time, L.A.