when a man loves a woman...

on the ride into work this morning, that song was playing on k-earth 101. not the michael bolton version. the authentic percy sledge version.

when a man loves a woman
spend his very last dime
tryin' to hold on to what he needs
he'd give up all his comfort
sleep out in the rain
if she said that's the way it ought to be

percy's unbridled emotion and heart-on-a-sleeve honesty was the perfect song to conclude a weekend that left me wondering, "when DOES a man love a woman?" and better yet, "when does a man love THIS woman?"

and i don't really mean love in its truest since. not how percy certainly meant it. not for the sake of this discussion. but love as in: when is a man really, really into his woman? when is the idea of spending his last dime, his last ounce of energy to be with her, not so far-fetched?

in my twisted world, i believe such sentiments should develop immediately...like gas. within a matter of weeks...who am i kidding...within a matter of DAYS, if you both parties are into each other, then yes, i believe a guy should be willing to do all he can to spend time with his lady. it's probably wrong, i know. the problem is 1) i'm a romantic; 2) i PERSONALLY would do anything i could to see a guy that i like; and 3) i'm swimming in couples for whom this is precisely the case.

you remember that show hart to hart? jonathan, the millionaire (which meant a hell of a lot more in '79 than it does today) and jennifer, his beautiful writer wife. they always got sucked into some investigation involving murder or thievery. they'd run around, dressed to the nines, waving silver plated pistols, escaping from their captors in zippy little two-seaters. and at the end of the day, they would snuggle in bed, tell each other how much they meant to the other, and the scene would fade on what was certainly about to be a night of sweet, sweet lovin'. you knew that the harts were in love. you wanted to be the harts (well, i did). i mean, any couple that could experience that much danger, excitement, adventure and still know that the only thing that truly mattered was their love for one another...that's an awesome couple. jonathan would do anything for his woman, and jennifer was down for her man without question.

now think about max, their butler/chauffeur. max had a front row seat to the hart show. he witnessed everything that went on between them--the good and the better. he knew how amazing their relationship was. in fact, he couldn't escape it. max might have had a lil' tenderoni on the side, but no relationship he was in compared to what the harts had. max (if he thought like a woman, which for the sake of this argument, he shall) would have second-guessed every relationship he was in because it was not like the harts. i, ladies and gentlemen, am max the butler/chauffeur.

lately, and this weekend once again, i found myself comparing my "relationship" to those of my friends. i happen to know a bunch of fucking prince charmings. i'm just not dating any of them. the men i know are totally into their women, and some have been dating for a lengthy bit of time (a few years) while others have not (a few months). regardless, their level of commitment, of total immersion into the relationship was immediate. they want to see their women all the time, talk to them all the time (that's if they're not living together, in which case, that's a given). they want to spend weekends and holidays with their women. they want to introduce them to their families and their friends. they want to celebrate accomplishments and sulk over disasters with them. they want them rain or shine. messy hair, yuck mouth, unshaved legs and all. i would say, they are consumed by their ladies in a way that falls short of annoying or obsessive, but is simply genuine.

so, if this is the paradigm i am most familiar with, how can i possibly think that my relationship, which is nothing like the aforementioned, is legit? or going anywhere? i see this guy twice a week (usually...), have yet to meet a local friend or relative and don't talk to him on the phone unless we're about to meet up (generally we just boy-talk). and i'm certainly not the person or place he seeks comfort in when things are awry. take this weekend for example. i figured we would see each other at some point, being that we last saw each other wednesday night/thursday morning and, as i said, we've been on a twice a week kick.

so i boy-talked him and asked when he'd like to get together. his reply was "soon." followed by 640 characters (or 4 texts) detailing what was going on with him...with a "how are you?" thrown in there. some of what he told me, i knew about. some i did not. selfishly, i didn't understand what anything had to do with his ability to see me. after all, shouldn't he want someone to cheer him up? to take his mind off things for a bit? but maybe i'm just projecting. maybe that's just what i would want. someone to hold my hand, rub my back and kiss me softly on the forehead, allowing me to forget, for a while, what it was that i was so worried about. or maybe i think that's the norm because that's what jonathan hart and my local prince charmings would want. so i wondered what it said about me, about us that he chose to keep his distance. and i let him. i told him that i was sorry and that i hope everything works out. i'm sure that somewhere in the world his behavior would be seen as normal behavior after three months, yes? not a reason to wonder or question or doubt. but again, my paradigm led me to doubt everything and to wonder why this hasn't happened or that hasn't happened and if i should be worried or just pack my bags. obviously, if he really liked me, i thought, he would have done all this stuff by now because that's what the other boys did...

but as a wise man resembling jesus said on saturday night, "all men are different." and i'm trying to remind myself of that...and include this man as someone who is not quite like the jonathan harts and other prince charmings out there. but lovely (and interested) in his own way. i try to remember the flowers he bought a couple of weeks ago (which are still alive), and the candy, and the taco he put in my fridge while i was at work. i remember that he boy-talked me as soon as he landed and makes the bed before he leaves my house. i remember that he didn't try to pressure me into sex even after two or three months and that he's cooked for me quite a few times. i try to focus on these things so that i don't feel like i am wasting my time if my relationship doesn't fit the mold i'm familiar with. so that i'm not so worried about why he hasn't asked me what my holiday plans are or introduced my to his brother. so i'm just going to relax and wait...and hopefully...maybe one day it will happen at the right time.

i am doing the smart thing, right L.A.?