Thursday, April 1, 2010

bye, george

the george from February is still around. like a cough you just can't shake. you think you're fine, you're better...but there's just that damn cough that keeps popping up and won't go away. let me sum up the past month as succinctly as possible.

when we left our manless dogless heroine, she had not heard from george, and she was heartbroken. well, of course george called while he was out of town and poured his heart out. he said he wanted to be with me and have babies together and get married and of course he wanted to do me (the latter first and the rest in no particular order). during the course of our three hour conversation, he said that being on the phone with me made him happier than he'd felt in a long time. he said he was serious about us, for real this time, and that my hesitation was unwarranted. "it's not going to be like last time," he said. "i see my future, and i see you in it." etc...etc... he said he wanted to see me on Monday when he returned. actually, he asked if i could pick him up from the airport (i could not), so he made plans with me for later. "what time do you get off work?" he asked. "5:30." "i will be at your house at 5:31," he replied. "okay. well, i won't be there then. but okay." he went on about how much he couldn't wait to see me. he even ended the conversation with "love you." (i ignored that.)

so Monday came...and i patiently waited for a phone call that didn't come...didn't come until tuesday anyway. and when it did come, there was no mention of what the hell happened to him the day before. just small talk, and i didn't have the energy to investigate or maybe i didn't care or maybe i wasn't surprised or all of the above. fast forward to Friday. around 12:45 a.m., my phone rang. it was him.
"come meet me at (some bar)."
"i can't. it's late, and i just got to my friend's house." (all of which was true)
"you can both come meet us or we [he and his friend] can come over there."
"uh. no. i don't think so."
"well, just come meet me for 20 minutes."
"no."
"then i'll come over there. 10 minutes."
"no."
"i can't believe you won't give me 10 minutes."
"it's not that i don't want to see you, but i would appreciate you calling me ahead of time and making plans with me if you want to see me. i don't like feeling like an after thought."
"well, i don't want you to feel like, so i'll keep that in mind." keep that in mind? so instead of just making a proper plan and setting a proper date, his response was "i'll keep that in mind."
"i was just trying to spend some time with you," he continued, "because i'm going to be out of town a lot." i love when men think they're doing you a favor.
"well, if you hadn't flaked on me last monday, we wouldn't be having this problem. now would we?"
he mumbled something.
"what was that?"
"you're right about that," he repeated.
he said he would call the next day. when i didn't hear from him, i sent him a text to see if he was still upset about the night before or if he was just "busy." he didn't respond.

(insert two weeks of me not hearing from him or reaching out to him)

after a while, i just figured it was dead. over. one less thing i had to worry about. on march 20, my friend actually asked me about him, and i said, in so many words, just that. it was done. not going anywhere. good riddance. that night, i got home, crawled in the bed, turned on "always sunny in philly" and was just getting into that first realm of sleep when the phone rang. it was around 2, and it was him. again with the "meet me at such and such."
"no. i am home. i'm in the bed. i'm not driving anywhere else tonight."
to spare you the merry-go-round, let's just say that eventually he asked if he could come over, and i said yes. despite knowing what he's about and knowing the drill and not wanting to waste my time with something going nowhere...there was/is that part of me that wanted someone to come into my room and go to sleep with me and wake up with me. and that's the part i listened to.

and that's not the only thing i listened to. when he got there, i listened to him say things like, "just because i don't call or see you regularly doesn't mean anything. you know where my heart is." even typing that out just now made me laugh. i also listened to that familiar speech about how he needs to focus on himself and his career right now, and that's really all he has the capacity for.
"oh. well, is that all that's been holding your attention?" i inquired.
"no."
"so what else?"
"i don't want to tell you because i don't want you to stop talking to me."
"what else?"
"well...you know....it's really hard when you've been with someone for so long to just cut the ties."
so here we are 4 years later, dealing the same problem: him claiming to be done with some woman that he doesn't need in his life and his actions indicating otherwise. please don't think i let this or the staring deep into my eyes get to me. i held my breath to keep from inhaling any of this bullshit. but knowing that it was bullshit and not feeling anything toward him didn't entirely prevent me from having weak moments as the night wore on. i am human. and he is persistent.

when he woke up the next morning, the first words out of his mouth were, "why are you looking at me like you wish i hadn't come over here?" i didn't know it was that obvious. i explained honestly that i was a little disappointed in myself for breaking my "rules" and ignoring logic--logic that tells me not to mess with a dude who rarely calls you or sees you and not to give a man the time of day if he hasn't let go of his ex. to this he replied simply and cliche-ly, "rules are meant to be broken."

after a morning of lying around (because despite the fact that he had soooo much to do he decided he "would rather lie in bed with [me]"...favor #2), and him ignoring his phone (which rang a few times throughout the night as well), and watching tv, and listening to 90s music, i told him the least he could get me for my troubles was some breakfast. he agreed. and paid. wow. though a little IHOP never broke the bank for anyone as far as i know.

after breakfast, i had to take him to his car (his friend had dropped him off the night before). i figured i was taking him back to his friend's place, but i quickly realized that was not the case as he guided me to the apartment he used to share with his (ex)-girlfriend, the apartment she still lives in now. when i pulled in the driveway, all i could do was laugh.
"i can't believe this is my life. actually yes, i can," i noted to self.
"what? it's just my car. just my car is here."
"well, your body had to be here for you car to get here."
to that he said nothing. he hemmed and hawed and caressed my hand and told me he'd call me when he "got a chance." That chance came the following Saturday (march 27), when he opened the phone call with, "i thought you would appreciate a phone call." again, with the mf'ing favors.

i haven't seen him or talked to him since. i don't have a desire to. i know he's no good for me, i know it's not going anywhere, and i don't even want it to. there's not even passion or a strong physical connection that makes it hard for me to resist him. so why do i pick up the phone when he calls? the only thing i can "fault" is the part of me that is truly human...and womanly and longs for the scent of testosterone, the scratch of a beard, the sound of footsteps other than my own every now again, the inability to roll from one side of the bed to the other unobstructed, the presence of another person.

happy easter.