Thursday, April 1, 2010

bye, george

the george from February is still around. like a cough you just can't shake. you think you're fine, you're better...but there's just that damn cough that keeps popping up and won't go away. let me sum up the past month as succinctly as possible.

when we left our manless dogless heroine, she had not heard from george, and she was heartbroken. well, of course george called while he was out of town and poured his heart out. he said he wanted to be with me and have babies together and get married and of course he wanted to do me (the latter first and the rest in no particular order). during the course of our three hour conversation, he said that being on the phone with me made him happier than he'd felt in a long time. he said he was serious about us, for real this time, and that my hesitation was unwarranted. "it's not going to be like last time," he said. "i see my future, and i see you in it." etc...etc... he said he wanted to see me on Monday when he returned. actually, he asked if i could pick him up from the airport (i could not), so he made plans with me for later. "what time do you get off work?" he asked. "5:30." "i will be at your house at 5:31," he replied. "okay. well, i won't be there then. but okay." he went on about how much he couldn't wait to see me. he even ended the conversation with "love you." (i ignored that.)

so Monday came...and i patiently waited for a phone call that didn't come...didn't come until tuesday anyway. and when it did come, there was no mention of what the hell happened to him the day before. just small talk, and i didn't have the energy to investigate or maybe i didn't care or maybe i wasn't surprised or all of the above. fast forward to Friday. around 12:45 a.m., my phone rang. it was him.
"come meet me at (some bar)."
"i can't. it's late, and i just got to my friend's house." (all of which was true)
"you can both come meet us or we [he and his friend] can come over there."
"uh. no. i don't think so."
"well, just come meet me for 20 minutes."
"then i'll come over there. 10 minutes."
"i can't believe you won't give me 10 minutes."
"it's not that i don't want to see you, but i would appreciate you calling me ahead of time and making plans with me if you want to see me. i don't like feeling like an after thought."
"well, i don't want you to feel like, so i'll keep that in mind." keep that in mind? so instead of just making a proper plan and setting a proper date, his response was "i'll keep that in mind."
"i was just trying to spend some time with you," he continued, "because i'm going to be out of town a lot." i love when men think they're doing you a favor.
"well, if you hadn't flaked on me last monday, we wouldn't be having this problem. now would we?"
he mumbled something.
"what was that?"
"you're right about that," he repeated.
he said he would call the next day. when i didn't hear from him, i sent him a text to see if he was still upset about the night before or if he was just "busy." he didn't respond.

(insert two weeks of me not hearing from him or reaching out to him)

after a while, i just figured it was dead. over. one less thing i had to worry about. on march 20, my friend actually asked me about him, and i said, in so many words, just that. it was done. not going anywhere. good riddance. that night, i got home, crawled in the bed, turned on "always sunny in philly" and was just getting into that first realm of sleep when the phone rang. it was around 2, and it was him. again with the "meet me at such and such."
"no. i am home. i'm in the bed. i'm not driving anywhere else tonight."
to spare you the merry-go-round, let's just say that eventually he asked if he could come over, and i said yes. despite knowing what he's about and knowing the drill and not wanting to waste my time with something going nowhere...there was/is that part of me that wanted someone to come into my room and go to sleep with me and wake up with me. and that's the part i listened to.

and that's not the only thing i listened to. when he got there, i listened to him say things like, "just because i don't call or see you regularly doesn't mean anything. you know where my heart is." even typing that out just now made me laugh. i also listened to that familiar speech about how he needs to focus on himself and his career right now, and that's really all he has the capacity for.
"oh. well, is that all that's been holding your attention?" i inquired.
"so what else?"
"i don't want to tell you because i don't want you to stop talking to me."
"what else?"
"'s really hard when you've been with someone for so long to just cut the ties."
so here we are 4 years later, dealing the same problem: him claiming to be done with some woman that he doesn't need in his life and his actions indicating otherwise. please don't think i let this or the staring deep into my eyes get to me. i held my breath to keep from inhaling any of this bullshit. but knowing that it was bullshit and not feeling anything toward him didn't entirely prevent me from having weak moments as the night wore on. i am human. and he is persistent.

when he woke up the next morning, the first words out of his mouth were, "why are you looking at me like you wish i hadn't come over here?" i didn't know it was that obvious. i explained honestly that i was a little disappointed in myself for breaking my "rules" and ignoring logic--logic that tells me not to mess with a dude who rarely calls you or sees you and not to give a man the time of day if he hasn't let go of his ex. to this he replied simply and cliche-ly, "rules are meant to be broken."

after a morning of lying around (because despite the fact that he had soooo much to do he decided he "would rather lie in bed with [me]"...favor #2), and him ignoring his phone (which rang a few times throughout the night as well), and watching tv, and listening to 90s music, i told him the least he could get me for my troubles was some breakfast. he agreed. and paid. wow. though a little IHOP never broke the bank for anyone as far as i know.

after breakfast, i had to take him to his car (his friend had dropped him off the night before). i figured i was taking him back to his friend's place, but i quickly realized that was not the case as he guided me to the apartment he used to share with his (ex)-girlfriend, the apartment she still lives in now. when i pulled in the driveway, all i could do was laugh.
"i can't believe this is my life. actually yes, i can," i noted to self.
"what? it's just my car. just my car is here."
"well, your body had to be here for you car to get here."
to that he said nothing. he hemmed and hawed and caressed my hand and told me he'd call me when he "got a chance." That chance came the following Saturday (march 27), when he opened the phone call with, "i thought you would appreciate a phone call." again, with the mf'ing favors.

i haven't seen him or talked to him since. i don't have a desire to. i know he's no good for me, i know it's not going anywhere, and i don't even want it to. there's not even passion or a strong physical connection that makes it hard for me to resist him. so why do i pick up the phone when he calls? the only thing i can "fault" is the part of me that is truly human...and womanly and longs for the scent of testosterone, the scratch of a beard, the sound of footsteps other than my own every now again, the inability to roll from one side of the bed to the other unobstructed, the presence of another person.

happy easter.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

give it up

no...i haven't heard from ol' george from my last entry. out of town or not, i'm sure you could have found "a second" as there are a lot of seconds in 9 days. but honestly, i've had way more pressing issues to deal with, like my complete and utter failure at lent.

i gave up sugar and soda, and though i haven't let a drop of soda touch my lips, i have poorly resisted sweets. last sunday, i slipped up and had some vegan strawberry shortcake...and a very un-vegan brownie on monday...actually three brownies...partially because i felt entitled because of the week i'd had and partially because my boss said episcopalians have sundays "off." i'm no episcopalian, so i'm not sure why i thought that would apply to me. anyway, i decided to make up for it by going to bible study monday at a catholic church (though i'm not catholic either) for the first time in my life and hoped that would make up for my "transgression."

i have since reassessed the whole sugar/soda thing and figured that indulging in one or the other isn't going to make me a bad person and that i should probably spend these 40 days figuring out how to be better, more grounded, more full of hope and faith, than worrying about what's going into my mouth. not to say i'm going on a sugar binge. i still haven't had soda, and i will do my very best to resist the "temptations of the sweet."

on another note, i DID meet a guy today. yes, he was homeless. and shirtless. with the biggest knockers i've ever seen on a dude. ass crack stretching well above the rim of his pants, a sham-wow swaying from his belt.

i have this thing with homeless guys. i don't know why i attract them, but i do. it's a characteristic i'd like to shake, but as i learned today, it persists. so, during lunch, i saw this guy moseying across Western, dodging traffic, and as soon as i saw him, i knew, KNEW, that i wasn't going to make it through this intersection without some sort of interaction. the light turned red. i pulled to a stop and focused my attention on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street.

the first thing i heard was some yelling that i couldn't decipher. i looked to the sidewalk, hoping that it might be anyone but him. then i heard it again. and again.
and before i knew it, he'd cut through waiting traffic and landed next to my passenger door...which was locked, fortunately.
he said something. "what?" i asked. i wasn't about to roll down the window. he said it again. "what?" i turned the music down.
"you wanna give me a ride?" he inquired, his tits bulging toward the pavement.
"no," i smiled.
"well, i just wanted to say hi."
"hi," i waved and wondered what the people behind me and in front of me were thinking behind their locked doors.
"come on. give me a ride," he tried again, but this time, he added a little something extra. his tongue came out his mouth, slowly, like an animal caged for far too long, and he proceeded to show me all the ways he could please me with it. at least, i assume that's what he was doing with the flicking and undulating, contracting and expanding. i rolled my eyes and turned the other way, hoping my rejection would send him on his way. but no. he stood there, tonguing on the other side of the window until i was FINALLY able to drive again. the last thing i saw was his crack and his sham-wow dipping through cars on their way to the sidewalk. door closes and another opens and there's a homeless guy with an eager tongue behind it.

i think i gave up dating for lent too, L.A.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

georgey-porgey puddin' pie, kiss the girls and make them cry

valentine's day. i had dance class, then rehearsal (i was invited to join a dance group, which has been one of the few bright spots in my year. i am very excited.). afterward, some of us grabbed a late lunch. lunch turned into a trip to tj maxx which turned into having dinner, which turned into eating vegan cinnamon rolls (surprisingly and ridiculously good) which morphed into lying around the instructor's apt and listening to music and watching youtube. it was very laid back.

fast forward to 3 a.m. i was running to my car which was parked sort of far away, and i noticed an apt. bldg that looked just like the apt bldg that an old flame used to live in. let's call him george (because he's from washington d.c.). george and i dated when i was 24/25, 4 years ago. i was crazy about him. we met at a golf course. February 2006. initially, i was only slightly intrigued, but i took him up on his offer for a little one on one golf lesson the following monday. monday came and it was raining, and my minimal interest did not benefit from inclement weather. plus my cousin was in town and i wanted to hang out with her, so i WANTED to flake. but i didn't have his #, so i had to go. i planned to wait 15 mins. then leave.

surprisingly, he showed up, but we couldn't golf obviously due to the weather, so we went to westside pavilion and walked around and then went to lunch. and by the end of the day, i really liked him, and we just started hanging out after that. everything was cool up through my birthday in April. i knew about his ex, but he said she was crazy and he was over her (she had threatened to kill herself if he dated anyone else, and one night she called and said she was doing it and he rushed over, blah blah. but he claimed to be aware of her insanity and said he knew that he didn't need that drama in his life. so i wasn't worried about her.).

then, in april, he left town for work, and he didn't call for 17 days. 17! and i was heart broken. now, i was smart enough to know that it was about her. so i called him on day 17, and that's when he told me that she had shown up and they'd been talking and he was confused, etc. we met up when he got back. he drove me to a parking lot and gave me a piece of hershey pie and said he needed time to figure out what he wanted, and he didn't want to lose me, but he needed to be honest. i appreciated his honesty, and i hung around for a couple of weeks maybe. but then i got a job as an asst. at an agency, and i knew it was going to kick my ass, and i didn't want to be distracted by what he was or wasn't doing. plus, i felt like he should know who was better (me), and if he didn't oh well, i wasn't going to sit on my behind anymore and wait for him to figure it out. so i emailed him while he was visiting his mom and told him that i thought he was great but that i wasn't going to be second. that was pretty much the end.

back to Sunday night. so then i realized it WAS the bldg he used to live in. then i looked at the spot he used to park in and i saw his car, but i was confused because i knew he had moved. but i went to the back of the car and saw the redskins license plate holder on the back, so i knew it was his car, but i still didn't know why he was there. anyway it was 3 a.m. the day after valentine's day, and i was chock full of vegan cinnamon rolls and feeling impulsive, so i left a note on a dry cleaning receipt and hoped he'd get it. i didn't have too many expectations. i just genuinely wanted to know how he was doing and perhaps catch up over lunch.

he called monday morning. turns out his friend still lives there, and george is staying there for a week while he moves out of one apt and into another. we talked for a while, then he said he had some more moving to do and could he call me later, adding that his birthday was tomorrow (tuesday...he was turning 36) and asked if i would hang out with him.

so i did hang out with him. we met up at his friend's house. then he and i went to a bar, and i bought him drinks, and he got w-a-s-t-e-d. BUT before he got pissy drunk, he said a few things...

when we first got there, he got up for a second to go have a cigarette (a definite turn off for me, but something i seem to overlook with him, nevermind that he's always promising to quit), and he kissed me on the cheek and hugged me and was like, "i'm so glad we reconnected and i'm glad you're here and no matter where this ends up, it's nice to have someone in my life who understands." he was very affectionate, touchy feely. he pulled me over to him and had his arms around me and was kissing my neck and my shoulder and whatnot. at some point he said, "i'm so happy you wrote that note." talking about how it was fate because he'd only been staying at this place a week, etc. he did say that the place that he was moving out of was an ex-girl's place. i asked if it was the crazy girl from before who tried to kill herself. he said no. so it was a new girl. but i couldn't help but hear the "dun-dun-duuuun" music in my head. here we are again. in February. right after you've ended a relationship. seeming eager and ready to move on. but last time this picture-show didn't end so well.

i realize, after a while, that i have to take him home (lest he beat up the guy who asked me if george was my boyfriend...). i'm helping him with his seatbelt when he asks, "are we on the same page?" i'm like, "what do you mean?" he said, "well, i really trust how i've felt all night with you. i'm 100% happy with you. and i want you in my life. and i want to get this on track, get this to where it should be. but i feel like you're hesitant."
"well, i am hesitant for one because i don't know if you're for real talking or drunk talking."
"aw, c'mon. you know me better than that. i mean, everything i say."
"yes, but will you remember this in the morning? i'm also hesitant," i continued, "because i got my feelings hurt last time, and i don't want that again."
"oh! you want to talk about feelings being hurt? you crushed me."
"what are you talking about?"
"why did you just leave like that? you wanted nothing to do with me." i reminded him about the conversation we had after he didn't call for 17 days, and he told me his ex was back in the picture and he was trying to figure out how he felt about her, and at the time, i asked him if he was still in love with her, and he said he didn't know.
so i said, "i knew you were going to pick her, so i had to get out."
"what do you mean you knew i was going to pick her? i was straight up with you about everything, and if you had just stuck it out with me through that, we'd still be talking now." or something he said... then he goes into something about how he feels, but i don't remember because it didn't make sense and his eyes were closed and he was taking these long ass, "is he asleep?" pauses in between sentences.

i got him home, got him upstairs, gave him some water, took off his shoes, and he laid on the couch. he pulled me next to him, and he said, "i'm going to remember this birthday. i'm going to remember how you looked out for me and gave me water and made sure i was safe. i'm going to remember how you're rubbing my head right now." and then he was out. i stayed there until 4 (i think) to make sure he was okay, and i tried to get some sleep, but it wasn't happening, so i had to go home. i wrote him a note (happy birthday. i will check on you later.) and left. and my car was f....a....r. i said a little prayer and walked as fast as i could in my boots.

then he called tuesday morning at 7:38 and said he got my note and was asking what happened last night; he remembered some things but not everything, and i DID NOT bring up anything that he said. i figured we could talk about that when i was not rushing to get ready for work. he said he had a wonderful birthday and that it was special. then he was like, "did we make out?" i said no. he seemed pretty disappointed and vowed not to drink again for a while. then george asked if he could see me that evening as he would be leaving for two weeks Wednesday morning. i said sure. he kept talking about how we didn't make out, and finally, i said, "your birthday isn't over til midnight, so relax." that quieted him down. i told him i would call him after i left work.

hang in there. i'm almost done, faithful reader.

so i called him a little before 7 p.m. and left a message saying i could see him after class (around 1030). he TEXTED me about 20 minutes later and said:

I'm not going to be able to kick it tonight, but you are in my thoughts and i will call you when I have a second.

in a text message! i didn't respond. it sounded a little suspect to me. maybe because i'm completely influenced by past experience or just because it feels funny, especially because it was a text. so i just went to class and rehearsal. of course, at rehearsal the five girls were sitting around talking about their husbands and fiances and the instructor was telling us about the great date she had the day before, and meanwhile i'm thinking about my situation, and i just got really sad. so i went home and cried and talked to my mom some.

and i still haven't heard from him.

and now, i'm back to wondering why any of this had to happen. why did i have to park there? why did i have to notice the bldg or the car? why was i able to find a pen in my car to write the damn note? why didn't i just go home? why does the universe like to joke around? why prompt me to open this unnecessary can of worms if i'm going to have to do damage control? i don't really expect answers; these are just my thoughts.

and why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? why couldn't we have just hung out like normal people without him spouting a bunch of linguistic bullshit and touching me? and why am i so upset by this? my level of emotion bothers me. i knew he was intoxicated, and i didn't think that i was throwing caution to the wind and believing everything he said, but...maybe some of it seeped it. maybe i wanted to believe that he wouldn't just lie, drunk or not. i'm also disappointed. and i'm tired of being that way. upset that i seem to have fallen for the same okie-doke from the same person in the same situation. granted, i caught myself faster, but not fast enough not to feel anything. i'm upset that i have a hole in me so big and so sensitive that even some drunken musings can bring me to tears. i'm upset that i'm bothered by someone who wasn't in my life and week ago and who probably isn't even right for me. i feel stupid and foolish for giving him some benefit of the doubt, for buying him three drinks. and i'm mad at the universe for thinking that this was a swell idea. i've been disappointed enough to know how the f*ck it feels, so i didn't need a recap.

anyway, that's where i am now. today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today, i hope. so how is that for a post?

2010...2.5 months in

honestly, i hadn't planned on writing on this thing ever again. i'm sort of over the whole "let me manage my heartache by writing about it" bit. i'd rather not have anything to write about. and for a while, i didn't. but now i do. and i'm so damn bored right now that i have no other option than to post something. so for those loyal few who are still hanging in there, bearing with me through my silence and stubborness...your wait is just about over. i will post momentarily.

oh, and to DJ EMM: my nye was spent babysitting my niece and her new puppy. i watched a shitload of nickelodeon and tried to get the little lady and the tramp to go to sleep.

Friday, December 18, 2009

an observation from atop the hiatus

if you hang out/have an intimate encounter with a guy who you've been seeing for five months, and he doesn't "call" you (read: text you) for 11 days and counting, that is kind of shitty.
regardless of how low my expectations might have been (and i'm pretty sure they weren't THAT low), that is kind of a dick move.

and it bothers me a little.

it's just disappointing when you think someone gives a shit, at least a minimal shit (...they act like they do anyway), and then you realize they don't. and the more concessions and compromises you make, the worse it seems to get.

i think back to all the advice i received over the course of this situation about my expectations and men...and i think that perhaps i wasn't so wrong to begin with. my adoption of new behavior, techniques and a laissez-faire attitude mixed with more aggressive/proactive tactics didn't really get me anywhere. so...i guess i'm back to square one. with a renewed conviction about what i don't want and how i do not wish to act and how i do not wish to be treated.

Monday, December 14, 2009


MD has been on hiatus because MD has made some questionable moves that have led MD to be self-reflective and talk in third person.

in essence, i've involved myself with the same person in a way that's not productive and kinda made me feel shitty. so much so that i haven't even felt like talking about it. furthermore, i wasn't sure how i was going to handle myself going forward...

but don't get me wrong. i don't think i'm a victim or anything. i know this is my own fault for not walking away. and i've tried to deal with it by not dealing it. in the past, it's taken so much energy for me to forget about someone, to consciously make the decision not to deal...ever again. so in an effort, to avoid expending that energy, i've just concluded not to do anything. however, this too can be problematic.

anyway, whatever. i'm trying to do my positive thinking shit...and i'm on plenty of fish (ooohhh, the horrors) in an effort to get myself out there. sigh...

so forgive me for my absence. but sometimes even i can't handle myself. i hope to have a much better situation to discuss soon.

Monday, November 23, 2009

silence is not golden

i will spare you my emotional and psychological babble and just give you the facts because, in this case, the facts are really all that matter.

last thursday, i received an email from a friend about my expectations for men and the latest man in particular. In summary, "This guy is just a man. Stop expecting more from him than that. Your trying to not be too available is coming across as trying not to see him at all. Give the guy a chance - even if it's to break your heart, because if you play it safe like this, you'll never get the big pay out."

her words resonated with me. i felt like there was truth to what she was saying, and i felt compelled to act. so, i sent him (the most recent guy) a text message that read, "just wanted to say hi. how are you doing?"

he responded shortly thereafter with, "doing well. how are you?" i told him i'd been under the weather and asked him how his project (the one that had consuuuuuumed him so much and sent him to and fro) was going. he said it was on hold, and explained why. then he said, "i'm leaving on monday to go home for a week." i have to insert a bit of internal monologue here. "hmm," i thought. "is he telling me this just so i'll know? is that a hint? a nudge? an 'opening of the door' if you will? he wouldn't just say that for no reason, right?" so i took that as an "in" and told him that i would like to hang out with him before he left, and if he was interested in doing that, he could let me know.

silence. thursday silence. friday silence. saturday silence. sunday silence. the first three days, my expectations for a response were low, but the sunday silence was the deepest. the most felt. now, as with all M/F interactions, i have been presented with theories--that perhaps i screwed up by not directly asking him to spend time with me and suggesting a specific time and date. or that i did nothing wrong, and i should not take his silence personally. that perhaps he was just too busy to hang out or had to much going on.

whatever the case, the FACT is that he didn't say anything. nothing. not a yes. not a no. not a maybe. nothing. and i was hurt by that. and i took it personally, whether i should have or not.his silence opened the floodgates and widened the ever-present hole. because to me, the quiet on the other end was an even deeper rejection than a simple "i don't think so" might have been. at least i would have known. at least then my mind wouldn't have seesawed all day between he "probably won't call" and "of course, he will. why wouldn't he? think positively." at least if he'd said no, i wouldn't have held on to a sliver of hope until the 11th hour.

but i did. and when i finally had to let that hope go, it did not go without immense pain.

i said no emotional/psychological blabber, so let me quit while i'm slightly ahead.

ps. just read this quote (on of all places). from buddha. "Suffering, if it does not diminish love, will transport you to the furthest shore." my mind is digesting this right now.

happy thanksgiving.