Monday, November 23, 2009

silence is not golden

i will spare you my emotional and psychological babble and just give you the facts because, in this case, the facts are really all that matter.

last thursday, i received an email from a friend about my expectations for men and the latest man in particular. In summary, "This guy is just a man. Stop expecting more from him than that. Your trying to not be too available is coming across as trying not to see him at all. Give the guy a chance - even if it's to break your heart, because if you play it safe like this, you'll never get the big pay out."

her words resonated with me. i felt like there was truth to what she was saying, and i felt compelled to act. so, i sent him (the most recent guy) a text message that read, "just wanted to say hi. how are you doing?"

he responded shortly thereafter with, "doing well. how are you?" i told him i'd been under the weather and asked him how his project (the one that had consuuuuuumed him so much and sent him to and fro) was going. he said it was on hold, and explained why. then he said, "i'm leaving on monday to go home for a week." i have to insert a bit of internal monologue here. "hmm," i thought. "is he telling me this just so i'll know? is that a hint? a nudge? an 'opening of the door' if you will? he wouldn't just say that for no reason, right?" so i took that as an "in" and told him that i would like to hang out with him before he left, and if he was interested in doing that, he could let me know.

silence. thursday silence. friday silence. saturday silence. sunday silence. the first three days, my expectations for a response were low, but the sunday silence was the deepest. the most felt. now, as with all M/F interactions, i have been presented with theories--that perhaps i screwed up by not directly asking him to spend time with me and suggesting a specific time and date. or that i did nothing wrong, and i should not take his silence personally. that perhaps he was just too busy to hang out or had to much going on.

whatever the case, the FACT is that he didn't say anything. nothing. not a yes. not a no. not a maybe. nothing. and i was hurt by that. and i took it personally, whether i should have or not.his silence opened the floodgates and widened the ever-present hole. because to me, the quiet on the other end was an even deeper rejection than a simple "i don't think so" might have been. at least i would have known. at least then my mind wouldn't have seesawed all day between he "probably won't call" and "of course, he will. why wouldn't he? think positively." at least if he'd said no, i wouldn't have held on to a sliver of hope until the 11th hour.

but i did. and when i finally had to let that hope go, it did not go without immense pain.

i said no emotional/psychological blabber, so let me quit while i'm slightly ahead.

ps. just read this quote (on cnn.com of all places). from buddha. "Suffering, if it does not diminish love, will transport you to the furthest shore." my mind is digesting this right now.

happy thanksgiving.

1 comment:

Reenybug said...

I'm sorry. But maybe another Buddhist quote will help, "You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

Let me know if you need a night with ice cream and Bridget Jones.