boo...and shit

c. anthoney...your explanation is the best i've heard. i actually kind of understand it when you put it like that. doesn't mean i necessarily like it, but i get it. i guess i equate texting with not caring, and perhaps i should not do that. since it seems impersonal to me, i figure a guy would only do that if he really didn't care or wasn't all that interested.

reenybug...ha! i can wait 'til after nine, boo, so we can use those good unlimited minutes.

anyway, thanks for your amusing and insightful comments. here's my latest. but first a background/recap:

any guy i meet/like/get involved with, already starts out with a deficit. because i've been disappointed so many times before, he has to try to climb out of the hole created by other people, and any slip up that might only marginally affect another, less heartbroken girl is totally magnified to me and makes a bad situation worse. pretty much, as a therapist told me a while back, i would need someone to do a shitload of things right over a loooooooong period of time for me to believe that they like me and for me to trust them. this is probably not realistic, but what ends up happening is that i see every mistake as proof that that this guy isn't going to stick around, that i am not and cannot be a priority for any man going back to daddy...
and either it winds up being true because it was the fate of the relationship all along or because i believed it and it was self-fulfilling. either way...the shit goes down.

which brings me to my mini-meltdown last night. so after i got home on halloween, i texted the boy (who is still out of town) and said "happy halloween!" all he had to do was say the shit back, and none of the rest of this story would exist. but he didn't. he said nothing. i forgot the rule that guys sometimes don't feel the need to respond if you don't ask a question, so maybe this is partially my fault, but whatever...it's bullshit. so at like 3 a.m. (or 2 a.m. depending on the time change), when i still hadn't heard from his ass, i sent a text that read "um...hi...are you okay?" his response? dead dumb silence. 4 a.m., 5 a.m., noon, 3 p.m. motherfucker. listen, if you INSIST upon communicating with me via text then i EXPECT that you should be able to do that shit promptly, seeing as how it doesn't involve any effort beyond you moving your thumbs.

by 6 p.m., i was done. i had watched sports all day and gone to my dance class and done all the "me" shit you're supposed to do when you're "not thinking about" a guy. but as it got all dark and shit all early, the thoughts began to creep in. "this is happening again...this guy is just going to disappear like _____ did or he's just going to stop putting in effort like _____ did. i've seen this before. i know how this ends." now perhaps, sally jane would have just figured "oh, he's busy. he'll get back to me. this is nothing personal." but not me. during the world series, my eyes started to tear up, and the only reason i didn't actually cry is because i was just so damn tired mentally and physically (because that class kicked my ass). i told my sane friend about it. she, of course, said it was no big deal, and that he would get back to me soon. i, being of the less sane variety, knew i would not be able to let this go. i felt so completely rejected and upset. "clearly, if you can't send a freaking text message, which is the only method of communication you seem capable of, then i can't be important at all." he's screwing an ex, i thought. or he's just realized he's not ready for a relationship (oh, that infamous excuse). anyway, i knew this was the end. i wanted to hate him, i wanted to be done with him, i wanted to have the last word.

so i texted him AGAIN (my mother popped into my head just before i sent it...she oozed of disappointment. but i had to ignore her). i said, "your lack of response makes me think something really IS wrong or that you're just ignoring me. hope it's not the 1st one. just in case it's the 2nd, i will let this be my last message." i sent it, turned off my phone and instantly felt better. i took a shower, watched some tv, and went to sleep. i woke up in the middle of the night and turned my phone back on (because it's my alarm clock and i gots to go to work). there was a text from him, but i didn't read it. i didn't want to be thinking about it, analyzing it and not be able to go to back to sleep. so i ignored it. didn't read it until i got in the car this morning. it said, "hey. busy week. what's going on?" or something like that. i screamed at the phone, "nothing is going on!" i won't respond to that because i don't really have anything to say. "Nothing is up. Just want to know that you give a shit. That you're actually thinking about me now and then. Later." No. And on another note, are you really THAT busy where even your thumbs can't move to type a simple message? i am inclined to call, "bullshit."

anyway, perhaps this would be a big deal to anyone. maybe just to me. and again, because of the "hole", little shit has a major effect on me. i've thought about trying to explain this to guys, but i feel like that would be a mess. i'm aware that i could be overreacting, but at what point are you not supposed to use the clues of the past to determine the present. i.e. at what point do i say well, when ____ didn't text me back, it's because he had decided he didn't want to see me or talk to me ever again. however, just because this guy did, it doesn't mean the same thing. Or, when ____ stopped calling/texting as much, it was the beginning of the end. however, just because this guy does it...

on one hand, people say you're supposed to learn from the past. on the other hand, you're not supposed to live in it. i don't know if i am just being smart (i.e. spotting the signs and knowing when it's not working) or scared. however, if i was communicated with on a more regular basis, i might not have to even think about this.