overdue

this weekend, i went to the hollywood land cemetery to watch Alien. for those who don't know, hollywood cemetery is huge cemetery in LA where famous and regular folks are buried, and during the summer, they show movies there. outside. on a wall. it's like a drive-in with gravestones and no cars. i thought it'd be a little freaky, but in actuality i felt bad for the dead people (and their families). i mean, who wants 1000+ people picnicking, getting drunk and watching a movie at the cemetery where their aunt ethel is buried? and who comes up with such an idea? anyway, i'd always wanted to go. i'm glad i did, but it was much better in theory than in reality. i think i was uncomfortable because i was so cold and damp, and the couple in front of me kept fondling one another, so i had to keep moving to see around them.

before the movie, we all sat on blankets and chairs and ate. my co-worker's friend was there...this guy she has been trying to match me up with since February. the first time i saw him, i wasn't paying much attention because i thought his friend was cute. the second time, i thought "absolutely not." this time, i thought "maybe." what got me was the fact that he REMEMBERED shit that i'd said the last time we saw each other. like he actually was listening. when we were in line at the cemetery, he asked me how my fantasy football teams were doing, how my writing was going, who the cowboys were playing the next day. when we sat down, he even poured me a glass of wine because as he said, "i remember that you don't like beer." it was incredible. listening and retaining information is SUCH a turn on. i was so dumbstruck that i couldn't even think of smart things to ask back, or say for that matter. like when i said i was probably going to close my eyes during Alien because i thought it would be scary (it wasn't), and he said something like, "well that kinda defeats the purpose." and i said something like, "well, i'll just pretend i'm blind and experience the movie as a blind person would." omg. dumb! it felt dumb coming out. a train wreck of words. i can't believe i finished that sentence. he just nodded and smiled. he was such a....what's the word...jen-- gyn-- gentleman! that's it. he was such a gentleman. he gave me some of his cheese and bread and offered me some salami, which in my book, equates to "romance."

when the movie was over, he came over and asked, "how'd you like it?" his friend answered, so i assumed he was talking to him, but when i looked, he was staring at me, and again i found myself completely thrown. like, you just got up off your blanket and took three steps over here JUST to ask me what i thought about the movie? my response was, "i'm alive." what? of course, you're alive. as if the alien was going to jump out and eat you. dumb. then i managed to say something like "it wasn't that scary." to try to make my previous statement make sense. to top it off, when we were trying to figure out what to do next, he turned to me and said, "what are YOU up for?" me? are you talking to me?

clearly, my standards for simple men-women exchanges are below low. that's sad. anyway, he's in his early 30s (a good thing) and has a job and an education and all that, so he's a good guy. but i'm still not sure we would ever date.

anyway, i got home a little before 2 a.m. and proceeded to put on my pajamas and a pair of platform heels then clomped around on my hard wood floors. i decided that if i have to listen to my neighbor stomp her chunky feet around and be annoyed then i would do my part to annoy her at the most inopportune time. i'm not sure if it worked, but it made me feel good.

switching topics...let's say you're single and your friend or co-worker tells you about her boyfriend or the guy she's dating and how wonderful he is and how many trips they take and how much money and orgasms he gives her. now let's say at some point, you don't want to hear it. does that make you a bad friend? i'm inclined to say yes. now...don't get me wrong. i think that being subjected involuntarily to those tales is slightly cruel and unusual. it's like telling a carnivore whose jaw is wired shut how juicy your t-bone steak was or telling an amputee how great you think your legs are. yet in spite of the fact that it can be difficult...IS difficult at times, i still say it's rude to not want to listen. obviously, i'm speaking as the listener here, not the story teller. and it isn't always bad...in fact, sometimes, i want to know, as a someone who wants to share in her friend's clitoral and financial joy. sometimes i want to live vicariously. but there are times...many times...when stories involving love and multiple orgasms in a maserati are the last things i want to hear.

this leads me to my final (and totally unrelated) point of the day. today, my mom said to me for the millionth time, "that just means god has something better for you" in reference to something i didn't get. what prompted her to say that is irrelevant. i wasn't really all that burnt up about not getting it anyway, but that time-worn statement got me thinking. is that really true? does god always have something better for us? or is that simply something we tell ourselves to make ourselves feel better (those of us who have told ourselves that)? can you honestly say that every person who's had their heartbroken has ended up with someone better than the last person? has every person who's been fired ended up with a better job? it doesn't even have to be in the immediate future. but long term? i don't think that's the case. maybe it's the fault of that individual (i.e. if they'd stop falling for the same assholes or stop limiting their potential they WOULD get something better). then again...maybe not. i don't know. i'd like to believe it. i do...most of the time. however, one might consider rephrasing it to read, "god will eventually give you something better. maybe not this year or next. maybe not even for several years. but eventually, you'll get yours. if you don't go crazy first."

i am on some philosophical shit today in L.A.

rehab

i did my part to help end global warming this weekend and went absolutely nowhere. well, i didn't drive anywhere. saturday, i left my house when i ran down the sidewalk barefoot in my pajamas, chasing after the pizza man because i forgot to give him part of his tip, and i didn't want him to think i was a cheap-ass. sunday, i left my house between the cowboys and the colts games for some chin chin and pinkberry, but that was on foot, and all my items were to-go, so my human contact was limited. i'd had enough human contact on friday when, after i work, i met a friend at fatburger (delicious food, yet it always seems to have oddest, grimiest crowd), and then i spent the remainder of the night at the laundrymat. i planned, yes planned, to go on friday night because i thought no one else would be there. i was mistaken. it was like the breakfast club times 20 except without the rich girl or the jock, just all the other delinquents (don't think i'm excluding myself. afterall, i was there on friday night with them). i even saw a homeless man who appeared to casually "shop" through the clothes left in an unattended dryer. i also saw a baby roach. laudrymats gross me out. lord only knows who stuck their clothes in the washer/dryer before you. yeesh. a shirt of mine fell on the floor while i was transporting it from the washing machine to the dryer. i thought about throwing it away. i certainly couldn't put it in the dryer with the clean clothes. i still haven't decided what to do with it. right now it's lying on the back of a chair at my house, awaiting its sentence. i could keep it until i go back to that godforsaken place, but who knows when that will be. i was kinda over that shirt anyway...

while willingly confined to my house i read new moon, the second book in the twilight series. yes, i'm one of thooooose people. watched countless hours of football, the wire, cheaters...and whatever else wasn't going to end with someone caressing someone else's face.

saturday night, i got a text from someone talking shit about the cowboys. i didn't recognize the number, so my inner nancy drew kicked in. i dialed a fake number using the same area code of the text. ohio. deductive reasoning ensued. "the cowboys are playing the browns. who do i know that likes the browns?" i deduced that it had to be this guy who i hadn't talked to since...january maybe. we met at a lounge. went out once. he was a "texter," and one day, i blocked text messages on my phone, so that was the end of that. i figured he thought i just decided to ignore him since i don't think he knew about my texting situation, so i was surprised that he would contact me after all these months and pick up where we left off...talking shit. we sent a few messages back and forth, made a bet which he lost the next day, yadah yadah. amidst all of this, i start to think, "hmmm...maybe i could...he was funny and nice...why didn't i....oh, yeah..." funny, nice, motivated, yes. attractive he was not. not to me. not the second time i saw him. not from the front anyway. his profile was cool, but head on... i don't know. it's weird because at the lounge, he was cute from the front. but at the restaurant, not so much. and by the time we got back to his house, i was over it. claiming that i was freezing, i put my coat over my head and balled up on the couch like a rollie pollie in hopes that he would not try to put his lips on me. i was still pining over the old boy at that point too (home depot boy), so i'm sure that didn't help.

speaking of which...i sort of broke that promise about having nothing to do with him anymore. of course, i did. between wednesday and friday, we exchanged 20+ emails in a conversation which started by me asking if he thought we would ever date again (which was sparked by someone asking me). his response, in typical boy fashion, was "i can't answer that. i'm not clairvoyant. however if you're asking if i think we COULD ever date again, then yea. why not? why? what do you think?" i responded by saying, "i'm not clairvoyant, but yea. why not?" more emails followed (including him asking me what i REALLY thought) and at the end, i was more confused though he'd said nothing negative. so for real now. i'm gettin' clean. no more. i can't deal. i need simple, straightforward love and lust.
my name is manlessdogless, and i have been clean for three days now in L.A.