so...my lover (and i use that term loosely) is gone again. off in colorado, working to bring home some bacon. before he left, he blessed me with more flowers (pink roses) and a pumpkin, which we named gary. he spent the night before he left, and i when i departed for work, he was still at my house, per the usual. when i returned home that evening, i found my room in...strategic disarray. there was a tower of pillows in the center of my bed (undoubtedly a result of my comment, "it's always a treat for me to come home and see how you decided to make the bed that day..." i.e. "it doesn't look at all how it does when i make it, but i appreciate the effort"). in addition to other things being slightly out of place, gary the pumpkin was "standing" by the bathroom, wearing a dallas cowboys cap, a t-shirt from my middle school p.e. class and a pair of my pajama pants. the whole ridiculous scene made me laugh. i texted him to let him know that his presents were much appreciated. he responded. i decided that that would be the end of my communication while he was away--first of all, he's working and if he wants to talk, he knows how to reach me; secondly, i hate texting, and i wouldn't feel comfortable actually calling (seeing as how this is the precedent that has been set)...but i'll discuss that in a minute.
anyway, so i made this "vow" that i wasn't going to contact him...which i immediately broke when i feared he thought i was a bed wetter. let me just be clear: i am NOT a bed wetter. but on Saturday, i was making up my bed (so that i could lie in it again), and i discovered this yellow circle on my fitted sheet. my first thought was "wtf?" my second thought was, "oh shit. he's going to think i pee in the bed." considering that he made up my bed before he left, he undoubtedly saw this yellow circle, and he certainly concluded that it came from pee and decided i'm a bed wetter and "oh my god!" he's never going to talk to me again. these were the thoughts tumbling around in my mind, while i paced around my room, muttering and smacking my head. i knew right then that i had to straighten this out; i was already so embarrassed and 5 days had passed since he'd made the bed, so i had to take care of this immediately. so i prepared my fingers for a lengthy text. yes, a text. back to that. if i don't quite feel comfortable just calling on a normal day to say "hey", there's no way in hell-town that i am going to call him, while he's probably working, to explain to him that the yellow stain he might have seen in my bed was not at all piss.
here's how the FOUR texts broke down:
1.I know ur busy, but i was just making up my bed and i noticed a yellow circle on the sheet, and i thought "oh no, he will think i
2. pee in the bed." But really it's fish oil!! See i'm supposed to take 2 of those yellow liquid caps at night. And one night i fell asleep with them in my hand...
3. and when i rolled over, one of them exploded in the bed. and i thought it all came out when i washed the sheets but i guess not. Anyway it's from a vitamin not
4. pee. I just needed to say that. I only pee in designated areas.
honest truth. it really is fish oil (rich in omega 3s). i know that might not sound pleasant either (in terms of something you want on your sheets), but it's better than pee in my opinion.
so...i sent the texts, smacked my head some more...and waited. a while later, he responded.
"yeah right...next thing you know you'll be telling me gary is taking you to hawaii and that he's better at pac-man than me. No liquids after 6 for you"
i was relieved. i mean, if he's joking about it, then he's not totally grossed out by me. perhaps he too is relieved, having learned it wasn't pee.
so we texted back and forth a few times, jokingly, and that was that. so...i am glad that the pee thing is over, however...the texting...
i'm not quite sure what triggered my suddenly strong aversion to it. but i know it was before i read this article:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/14/AR2007091401972.html
and this one
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/techinnovations/2006-01-29-love-texting_x.htm
because i actually went looking for articles to support my feelings. and they did.
texting/boy-talking is killing romance. and yes, it is primarily men who are proponents of this method of communication. it has replaced the phone call, allowing men to make or break plans without having to be too vulnerable or get too invested. a couple of years ago, i removed text messaging from my phone entirely. i was over it--i found it impersonal and annoying. i ended up putting it back on my phone several months later because people kept sending me messages despite the fact that i told everyone i knew not to. furthermore, i won't deny its convenience--if you're running late or in a loud place or just witnessed a cock-fight, texting can be a simple way to get your message across. even if it's something cutesy like "just thinking of you" or "miss you" or "can't wait to get you naked later". i don't mind that. but as a primary method of exchanging thoughts and ideas with your (semi) significant other...i'm not down. i want to hear your voice. men, we want to hear your voice. and i don't think we expect loooong high-school length conversations where you fall asleep and drool on the phone. just a quick "hi. how was your day? do you want to hang out tomorrow? see you then" would be ma-gi-cal. this is my conclusion based on the unofficial research i've done and my own feelings. it's a pain being caught between the generation who does nothing but TXT (LOL...OMG) and the one who used to write letters. call me a traditionalist, but i'm more in line with the latter. there's something romantic about a phone call (even when it isn't obviously romantic in context). it is where love and romance are nurtured. i am on a mission to try to get me some o' that.
i will c u L8er, L.A.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
when a man loves a woman...
on the ride into work this morning, that song was playing on k-earth 101. not the michael bolton version. the authentic percy sledge version.
when a man loves a woman
spend his very last dime
tryin' to hold on to what he needs
he'd give up all his comfort
sleep out in the rain
if she said that's the way it ought to be
percy's unbridled emotion and heart-on-a-sleeve honesty was the perfect song to conclude a weekend that left me wondering, "when DOES a man love a woman?" and better yet, "when does a man love THIS woman?"
and i don't really mean love in its truest since. not how percy certainly meant it. not for the sake of this discussion. but love as in: when is a man really, really into his woman? when is the idea of spending his last dime, his last ounce of energy to be with her, not so far-fetched?
in my twisted world, i believe such sentiments should develop immediately...like gas. within a matter of weeks...who am i kidding...within a matter of DAYS, if you both parties are into each other, then yes, i believe a guy should be willing to do all he can to spend time with his lady. it's probably wrong, i know. the problem is 1) i'm a romantic; 2) i PERSONALLY would do anything i could to see a guy that i like; and 3) i'm swimming in couples for whom this is precisely the case.
you remember that show hart to hart? jonathan, the millionaire (which meant a hell of a lot more in '79 than it does today) and jennifer, his beautiful writer wife. they always got sucked into some investigation involving murder or thievery. they'd run around, dressed to the nines, waving silver plated pistols, escaping from their captors in zippy little two-seaters. and at the end of the day, they would snuggle in bed, tell each other how much they meant to the other, and the scene would fade on what was certainly about to be a night of sweet, sweet lovin'. you knew that the harts were in love. you wanted to be the harts (well, i did). i mean, any couple that could experience that much danger, excitement, adventure and still know that the only thing that truly mattered was their love for one another...that's an awesome couple. jonathan would do anything for his woman, and jennifer was down for her man without question.
now think about max, their butler/chauffeur. max had a front row seat to the hart show. he witnessed everything that went on between them--the good and the better. he knew how amazing their relationship was. in fact, he couldn't escape it. max might have had a lil' tenderoni on the side, but no relationship he was in compared to what the harts had. max (if he thought like a woman, which for the sake of this argument, he shall) would have second-guessed every relationship he was in because it was not like the harts. i, ladies and gentlemen, am max the butler/chauffeur.
lately, and this weekend once again, i found myself comparing my "relationship" to those of my friends. i happen to know a bunch of fucking prince charmings. i'm just not dating any of them. the men i know are totally into their women, and some have been dating for a lengthy bit of time (a few years) while others have not (a few months). regardless, their level of commitment, of total immersion into the relationship was immediate. they want to see their women all the time, talk to them all the time (that's if they're not living together, in which case, that's a given). they want to spend weekends and holidays with their women. they want to introduce them to their families and their friends. they want to celebrate accomplishments and sulk over disasters with them. they want them rain or shine. messy hair, yuck mouth, unshaved legs and all. i would say, they are consumed by their ladies in a way that falls short of annoying or obsessive, but is simply genuine.
so, if this is the paradigm i am most familiar with, how can i possibly think that my relationship, which is nothing like the aforementioned, is legit? or going anywhere? i see this guy twice a week (usually...), have yet to meet a local friend or relative and don't talk to him on the phone unless we're about to meet up (generally we just boy-talk). and i'm certainly not the person or place he seeks comfort in when things are awry. take this weekend for example. i figured we would see each other at some point, being that we last saw each other wednesday night/thursday morning and, as i said, we've been on a twice a week kick.
so i boy-talked him and asked when he'd like to get together. his reply was "soon." followed by 640 characters (or 4 texts) detailing what was going on with him...with a "how are you?" thrown in there. some of what he told me, i knew about. some i did not. selfishly, i didn't understand what anything had to do with his ability to see me. after all, shouldn't he want someone to cheer him up? to take his mind off things for a bit? but maybe i'm just projecting. maybe that's just what i would want. someone to hold my hand, rub my back and kiss me softly on the forehead, allowing me to forget, for a while, what it was that i was so worried about. or maybe i think that's the norm because that's what jonathan hart and my local prince charmings would want. so i wondered what it said about me, about us that he chose to keep his distance. and i let him. i told him that i was sorry and that i hope everything works out. i'm sure that somewhere in the world his behavior would be seen as normal behavior after three months, yes? not a reason to wonder or question or doubt. but again, my paradigm led me to doubt everything and to wonder why this hasn't happened or that hasn't happened and if i should be worried or just pack my bags. obviously, if he really liked me, i thought, he would have done all this stuff by now because that's what the other boys did...
but as a wise man resembling jesus said on saturday night, "all men are different." and i'm trying to remind myself of that...and include this man as someone who is not quite like the jonathan harts and other prince charmings out there. but lovely (and interested) in his own way. i try to remember the flowers he bought a couple of weeks ago (which are still alive), and the candy, and the taco he put in my fridge while i was at work. i remember that he boy-talked me as soon as he landed and makes the bed before he leaves my house. i remember that he didn't try to pressure me into sex even after two or three months and that he's cooked for me quite a few times. i try to focus on these things so that i don't feel like i am wasting my time if my relationship doesn't fit the mold i'm familiar with. so that i'm not so worried about why he hasn't asked me what my holiday plans are or introduced my to his brother. so i'm just going to relax and wait...and hopefully...maybe one day it will happen at the right time.
i am doing the smart thing, right L.A.?
when a man loves a woman
spend his very last dime
tryin' to hold on to what he needs
he'd give up all his comfort
sleep out in the rain
if she said that's the way it ought to be
percy's unbridled emotion and heart-on-a-sleeve honesty was the perfect song to conclude a weekend that left me wondering, "when DOES a man love a woman?" and better yet, "when does a man love THIS woman?"
and i don't really mean love in its truest since. not how percy certainly meant it. not for the sake of this discussion. but love as in: when is a man really, really into his woman? when is the idea of spending his last dime, his last ounce of energy to be with her, not so far-fetched?
in my twisted world, i believe such sentiments should develop immediately...like gas. within a matter of weeks...who am i kidding...within a matter of DAYS, if you both parties are into each other, then yes, i believe a guy should be willing to do all he can to spend time with his lady. it's probably wrong, i know. the problem is 1) i'm a romantic; 2) i PERSONALLY would do anything i could to see a guy that i like; and 3) i'm swimming in couples for whom this is precisely the case.
you remember that show hart to hart? jonathan, the millionaire (which meant a hell of a lot more in '79 than it does today) and jennifer, his beautiful writer wife. they always got sucked into some investigation involving murder or thievery. they'd run around, dressed to the nines, waving silver plated pistols, escaping from their captors in zippy little two-seaters. and at the end of the day, they would snuggle in bed, tell each other how much they meant to the other, and the scene would fade on what was certainly about to be a night of sweet, sweet lovin'. you knew that the harts were in love. you wanted to be the harts (well, i did). i mean, any couple that could experience that much danger, excitement, adventure and still know that the only thing that truly mattered was their love for one another...that's an awesome couple. jonathan would do anything for his woman, and jennifer was down for her man without question.
now think about max, their butler/chauffeur. max had a front row seat to the hart show. he witnessed everything that went on between them--the good and the better. he knew how amazing their relationship was. in fact, he couldn't escape it. max might have had a lil' tenderoni on the side, but no relationship he was in compared to what the harts had. max (if he thought like a woman, which for the sake of this argument, he shall) would have second-guessed every relationship he was in because it was not like the harts. i, ladies and gentlemen, am max the butler/chauffeur.
lately, and this weekend once again, i found myself comparing my "relationship" to those of my friends. i happen to know a bunch of fucking prince charmings. i'm just not dating any of them. the men i know are totally into their women, and some have been dating for a lengthy bit of time (a few years) while others have not (a few months). regardless, their level of commitment, of total immersion into the relationship was immediate. they want to see their women all the time, talk to them all the time (that's if they're not living together, in which case, that's a given). they want to spend weekends and holidays with their women. they want to introduce them to their families and their friends. they want to celebrate accomplishments and sulk over disasters with them. they want them rain or shine. messy hair, yuck mouth, unshaved legs and all. i would say, they are consumed by their ladies in a way that falls short of annoying or obsessive, but is simply genuine.
so, if this is the paradigm i am most familiar with, how can i possibly think that my relationship, which is nothing like the aforementioned, is legit? or going anywhere? i see this guy twice a week (usually...), have yet to meet a local friend or relative and don't talk to him on the phone unless we're about to meet up (generally we just boy-talk). and i'm certainly not the person or place he seeks comfort in when things are awry. take this weekend for example. i figured we would see each other at some point, being that we last saw each other wednesday night/thursday morning and, as i said, we've been on a twice a week kick.
so i boy-talked him and asked when he'd like to get together. his reply was "soon." followed by 640 characters (or 4 texts) detailing what was going on with him...with a "how are you?" thrown in there. some of what he told me, i knew about. some i did not. selfishly, i didn't understand what anything had to do with his ability to see me. after all, shouldn't he want someone to cheer him up? to take his mind off things for a bit? but maybe i'm just projecting. maybe that's just what i would want. someone to hold my hand, rub my back and kiss me softly on the forehead, allowing me to forget, for a while, what it was that i was so worried about. or maybe i think that's the norm because that's what jonathan hart and my local prince charmings would want. so i wondered what it said about me, about us that he chose to keep his distance. and i let him. i told him that i was sorry and that i hope everything works out. i'm sure that somewhere in the world his behavior would be seen as normal behavior after three months, yes? not a reason to wonder or question or doubt. but again, my paradigm led me to doubt everything and to wonder why this hasn't happened or that hasn't happened and if i should be worried or just pack my bags. obviously, if he really liked me, i thought, he would have done all this stuff by now because that's what the other boys did...
but as a wise man resembling jesus said on saturday night, "all men are different." and i'm trying to remind myself of that...and include this man as someone who is not quite like the jonathan harts and other prince charmings out there. but lovely (and interested) in his own way. i try to remember the flowers he bought a couple of weeks ago (which are still alive), and the candy, and the taco he put in my fridge while i was at work. i remember that he boy-talked me as soon as he landed and makes the bed before he leaves my house. i remember that he didn't try to pressure me into sex even after two or three months and that he's cooked for me quite a few times. i try to focus on these things so that i don't feel like i am wasting my time if my relationship doesn't fit the mold i'm familiar with. so that i'm not so worried about why he hasn't asked me what my holiday plans are or introduced my to his brother. so i'm just going to relax and wait...and hopefully...maybe one day it will happen at the right time.
i am doing the smart thing, right L.A.?
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
well, ain't that a bitch?
i just found out that one of those guys i was dating with mild interest a year ago (in the hopes that continued dating might lead to sustainable interest...but did not) now has a girlfriend. i'm not mad about it or anything of the sort. he should have a girlfriend. he's smart, he's nice, he's successful, and maybe this new girl doesn't mind dating someone who has nothing to talk about...or maybe she doesn't have anything to talk about either. in any case, he's a good person, well-deserving of a lady. however, i couldn't help but think "ain't that a bitch?" when i heard about it because yet another male from my past has moved on and found a solid mate. and i tend to be the last stop before eternity-ville. so i guess my hang up is that i want it to be my turn. i want to be the one whose status is "in a relationship". i want to be the one whose exes are stalking her facebook page to see how attractive the "new guy" is. put me on the receiving end, please.
but i have no room for complaints right now. things are currently going well in the romance department. any guy who cooks salmon and asparagus for me while i watch the games on sunday is A-OK in my book. and then sits there and yells at the TV with me...ahh, now that's romance. he has been brimming with sweet gestures lately, so i am content. food and thoughtfulness are all you need to win me over. so i will count my blessings and say my thank yous this week. i will now officially unpack my luggage from my trip to Crazy Bitch City and relax...
i am currently sane, L.A.
but i have no room for complaints right now. things are currently going well in the romance department. any guy who cooks salmon and asparagus for me while i watch the games on sunday is A-OK in my book. and then sits there and yells at the TV with me...ahh, now that's romance. he has been brimming with sweet gestures lately, so i am content. food and thoughtfulness are all you need to win me over. so i will count my blessings and say my thank yous this week. i will now officially unpack my luggage from my trip to Crazy Bitch City and relax...
i am currently sane, L.A.
Friday, October 2, 2009
i never said i wasn't a little crazy
so yes, i MAY have overreacted earlier this week. okay, scratch the "may have". however, i'm sure i would do it all over again, given the same circumstances, but i can admit, in hindsight, that i was a little hasty and irrational. of course, i'm only saying this because i got what i wanted...
my somewhat sassy text message about my late grandmothers' texting abilities garnered a response. it went something like: sorry. (insert joke about grandmas.) i had a shitty day after i landed. i'm over it now. when do you want to get together?
i decided to be direct in my reply: sorry you had a bad day. i hope today is better. considering i haven't seen you in 39 days, i can be free whenever. prioritizing is a specialty of mine.
and THAT got me the response i wanted, which was: how about tonight?
sooooo...i ended up seeing him on the second day, which isn't the first, but certainly isn't worth complaining about. afterall, i'm not his girlfriend... and the second day was the one i'd envisioned all along. ahh, The Secret, you tricky devil.
i must say that the evening was......deeeelightful. he had flowers for me. beautiful flloooowers. and candy (candy which referenced an inside joke of sorts...double points for that). i was very, very surprised. i haven't been given flowers by a guy since...high school, i think. and of course, i found some way to ruin the moment. he picked up the flowers and said, "these are for you." i said, "yeah, right. who are they really for?" why? because i really didn't think they could possibly be for me, and no way was i going to think they were only to have him be like "sike! hell naw, these ain't for you." but why would i even think something like that? that's a whole nother issue...
once i realized these nice things really were for me, i expressed my sincerest gratitude. i said something like, "thank you for my flowers. they are lovely." and i THINK he said something like, "not as lovely as you." i feel like that happened, but i could have been fading into sleepytown at that point.
so, we talked and played nintendo (including duck hunt and techmobowl) and eventually went to sleep. it was simple and fantastic. and i felt like he honestly did/does like me.
that's where it stands. i will try to maintain this level of calm in the weeks to come.
and to c. anthoney...i appreciate any cents, particularly when it comes from a male. so gratzi.
i am back from crazy town, L.A.
my somewhat sassy text message about my late grandmothers' texting abilities garnered a response. it went something like: sorry. (insert joke about grandmas.) i had a shitty day after i landed. i'm over it now. when do you want to get together?
i decided to be direct in my reply: sorry you had a bad day. i hope today is better. considering i haven't seen you in 39 days, i can be free whenever. prioritizing is a specialty of mine.
and THAT got me the response i wanted, which was: how about tonight?
sooooo...i ended up seeing him on the second day, which isn't the first, but certainly isn't worth complaining about. afterall, i'm not his girlfriend... and the second day was the one i'd envisioned all along. ahh, The Secret, you tricky devil.
i must say that the evening was......deeeelightful. he had flowers for me. beautiful flloooowers. and candy (candy which referenced an inside joke of sorts...double points for that). i was very, very surprised. i haven't been given flowers by a guy since...high school, i think. and of course, i found some way to ruin the moment. he picked up the flowers and said, "these are for you." i said, "yeah, right. who are they really for?" why? because i really didn't think they could possibly be for me, and no way was i going to think they were only to have him be like "sike! hell naw, these ain't for you." but why would i even think something like that? that's a whole nother issue...
once i realized these nice things really were for me, i expressed my sincerest gratitude. i said something like, "thank you for my flowers. they are lovely." and i THINK he said something like, "not as lovely as you." i feel like that happened, but i could have been fading into sleepytown at that point.
so, we talked and played nintendo (including duck hunt and techmobowl) and eventually went to sleep. it was simple and fantastic. and i felt like he honestly did/does like me.
that's where it stands. i will try to maintain this level of calm in the weeks to come.
and to c. anthoney...i appreciate any cents, particularly when it comes from a male. so gratzi.
i am back from crazy town, L.A.
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