silence is not golden

i will spare you my emotional and psychological babble and just give you the facts because, in this case, the facts are really all that matter.

last thursday, i received an email from a friend about my expectations for men and the latest man in particular. In summary, "This guy is just a man. Stop expecting more from him than that. Your trying to not be too available is coming across as trying not to see him at all. Give the guy a chance - even if it's to break your heart, because if you play it safe like this, you'll never get the big pay out."

her words resonated with me. i felt like there was truth to what she was saying, and i felt compelled to act. so, i sent him (the most recent guy) a text message that read, "just wanted to say hi. how are you doing?"

he responded shortly thereafter with, "doing well. how are you?" i told him i'd been under the weather and asked him how his project (the one that had consuuuuuumed him so much and sent him to and fro) was going. he said it was on hold, and explained why. then he said, "i'm leaving on monday to go home for a week." i have to insert a bit of internal monologue here. "hmm," i thought. "is he telling me this just so i'll know? is that a hint? a nudge? an 'opening of the door' if you will? he wouldn't just say that for no reason, right?" so i took that as an "in" and told him that i would like to hang out with him before he left, and if he was interested in doing that, he could let me know.

silence. thursday silence. friday silence. saturday silence. sunday silence. the first three days, my expectations for a response were low, but the sunday silence was the deepest. the most felt. now, as with all M/F interactions, i have been presented with theories--that perhaps i screwed up by not directly asking him to spend time with me and suggesting a specific time and date. or that i did nothing wrong, and i should not take his silence personally. that perhaps he was just too busy to hang out or had to much going on.

whatever the case, the FACT is that he didn't say anything. nothing. not a yes. not a no. not a maybe. nothing. and i was hurt by that. and i took it personally, whether i should have or not.his silence opened the floodgates and widened the ever-present hole. because to me, the quiet on the other end was an even deeper rejection than a simple "i don't think so" might have been. at least i would have known. at least then my mind wouldn't have seesawed all day between he "probably won't call" and "of course, he will. why wouldn't he? think positively." at least if he'd said no, i wouldn't have held on to a sliver of hope until the 11th hour.

but i did. and when i finally had to let that hope go, it did not go without immense pain.

i said no emotional/psychological blabber, so let me quit while i'm slightly ahead.

ps. just read this quote (on cnn.com of all places). from buddha. "Suffering, if it does not diminish love, will transport you to the furthest shore." my mind is digesting this right now.

happy thanksgiving.

stella

i spent the latter part of last week trying to get my groove back after a balls-out shitty week. after being told that i perhaps acted a little too hastily in my "fuck you, don't ever call me" episode, i did the weird, crazy girl thing and texted him the next day with, "so you have nothing say? it's like you don't even care." and he (rightfully so) responded with, "what do you want to hear from someone you don't want to see? of course i care but you basically told me you'd rather have nothing to do with me than be friends so i'll respect that. i'll even hide behind a bush if i see you coming so it won't be awkward." i responded. he didn't. finally, i told him if he wanted to talk in person fine, if not, fine (enough of this texting bullshit). he said "you're always welcome to come over for a beer..."
the plan was for me to go over on tuesday. however, didn't quite happen.
i ended up texting him that night and said, "so are we still on?"

him: sure come on over and have this awkward conversation.
me: i can't tell if you're joking or being serious. i'm not trying to
have some long, awkward conversation. mostly i'm just coming to get
my beer. but we don't have to hang if you don't want.
him: i'm joking, of course. i'm pretty busy with writing again
tonight, and dealing with my idiot cousin. what time do you get out
of work tomorrow? early evening would work best for me.
me: i volunteer tomorrow. [granted, i could have skipped it, but i
didn't want to be that available.]
him: so what time are you done volunteering?
me: 8. in hollywood. so early evening won't work for me.
him: drat.
me: and this is where you suggest an alternate time. but i have dance
on Thursday.
him: how about i meet you at dance class?
me: ha. no. try again.

and that was that. he hasn't said anything since. at this point, i figure he probably won't, and now i'm just digesting the idea that we will probably never talk or see each other again. i figure, the sooner i get that in my head, the better off i'll be. regardless of how much it may hurt my feelings. ANYWAY, in an effort to distract myself from the grim realities of my situation, i went out on thursday for a friend's birthday. went to a bar downtown. i got hit on by a couple of guys, struck up conversations with them...i was feeling veeeeery stella. until the lameasses i was talking to got kicked out for being far too drunk and much too belligerent (not to me, just in general). ahhh, yes. i am officially back, i thought. back to attracting the young ones. you're 22, you say? of course you are!

sunday night wasn't much different. i went to a bar to watch the late game. there was one empty bar stool. i asked the guy next to it if it was free. he said it was. a few minutes later he struck up a conversation, and we discovered that we're both from dallas, went to school down the street from each other and know some of the same people. crazy. "what year did you graduate?" he asked. "'99," i said. "you?" all the while i'm thinking, "please don't say 2000 something, please don't say 2000 something." "2002," he said. damnit! seriously, i cannot shake this thing i have for attracting guys who are young (emotionally or literally) and who don't have their shit together. not saying this guy doesn't, but i mean...we know the odds. i gave him my number anyway because he was nice, and i thought he might be a good distraction, and i figured, "why fight it? clearly i am a magnet for these fools so i might as well embrace it. concede that i'm not going to be in a serious, stable relationship anytime soon and just try to enjoy what i get." yes, i would LOVE a mature, stable, available gentleman, but if the universe keeps bringing me the opposite, what's a girl to do?

i guess i could just say "no...", L.A.

so much for that

that whole friends business is for the birds.

friday, as i was leaving work, i got a text messaging from him saying my bike wouldn't fit in his car (and since he's moving into his place, it could no longer stay in the storage unit) and did i have any ideas? i supposed this text was not only to serve as notification about my bike but notification that he was back in town as well...oh, that's right "we're friends," so i guess you don't really have to tell me those things until you get good and ready. i kept it strictly business. told him when i could come get it, etc. after a few messages back and forth, he asked, "so what are you up to tonight?" i told him, making myself sound busy, which truthfully i was. i guess he was feeling chatty because he responded and made a joke. i said nothing.

the next day, i called him (yes, called) to finalize bike plans. i was already dreading this encounter because i knew how it would go: i would see him, it would be awkward, and i would leave feeling worse than i did when i got there. and that's what happened. while my friend loaded the bike, we made small talk. again, he asked me what i was up to that night, adding that "if i end up doing anything fun, give him a call." i think this is what did it for me. it felt like we had completely regressed. now, he couldn't even ask me to do something, to hang out, to go somewhere. now it's "give me a call if you have something fun planned." fuck you. don't date me for 4 months, sleep in my bed, bring me flowers and candy and whatever shit that makes me think you are really into me, and then turn around and be all fucking casual...like none of that shit ever happened. this was a worse situation than it was before he left. at least then he actually sort of made plans with me and didn't base our encounters on the possibility of external events.

i shed my tears finally (i hadn't done that since any of this happened), spent yesterday in one hell of a funk, and today i decided that this wasn't for me. if we're going backwards, if he can't even bother to make plans with me (no matter what level of dating we're at), then i can't deal. because i can't pretend that NOTHING happened. i can't pretend that we're just homies. what we had before was casual...this now is just bullshit.

so i told him that i was sorry but i couldn't do it. he didn't say anything. whatever. fuck 'em. i already unfacebooked him, and i had never saved his number in my phone (for this very reason), so i didn't have to worry about that. just need to clear out my text inbox, take a deep breath, and hope that the next several days bring me the peace of mind and heart that i need...again.

i am hurt yes. and sad. but this isn't new territory, so i'll survive...

mama says...

so last night, i talked to my mom. i expected her to say good riddance, and i should never talk to him again. like she normally does.

however, she surprised me when she suggested i accept his offer of hanging out on a casual basis and see how it goes. and try not to wear my heart of my sleeve so much (which is hard for me). she pointed out that he has said and done nice things, so he's not a bad guy...blah blah. he's just incapable of giving me a commitment because his life is in shambles (shambles is my word...perhaps disarray is more appropriate).

i wasn't expecting her to say anything like that, and it's something i never would have considered on my own. i'm usually an all or nothing girl. but maybe that's my problem. well...perhaps "problem" is too harsh. maybe that's my hang-up. i WANT the security of a relationship, and i haven't had that in a while. years. and this is generally how things have ended up as i have pursued what i want. so clearly, my wanting so much has gotten me no where. so maybe my approach is wrong. maybe i SHOULD consider a casual, non-intimate "relationship" (and my motto is--if you don't want a serious relationship, don't expect any serious nookie) with boundaries and limited expectations. and, of course, not just with him, but with anyone i like.

it goes against my natural inclination, but i have to do something. because obviously what i've been doing ain't cutting it.

...ashes, ashes, we all fall down

so it turns out i was right...about it being the beginning of the end. i'll stick to the dirty facts.

two days ago, when i said that i wasn't going to respond to that lame text, i lied. well, i meant it at the time, but tonight, my sense of right got the better of me, and i had to say something. keep in mind, the following all occurs via text.

me: i believe you that it's been hectic. but i go for days and don't hear from you (whether here or away) & that makes me uncomfortable. when ur seeing someone, you should call, email or at least text to let them know you are thinking of them. a small gesture that goes a long way. but when you don't or when you don't respond, it makes me think you're not really into this whole thing.

him: i'm sorry, i'm not a great communicator. i told you before i left that i didn't want anything serious, because i haven't figured out my own situation yet [this is not exactly true. more on that later.] i like you a lot...a whole lot. i think you're incredible, and painfully sexy. but if it's a serious relationship you're looking for right now, i'm only going to fuck it up. i don't want to upset you. you deserve more than i can offer right now...i'm not in the best spot, and i have to get my life straightened out before i can be seriously involved with anyone. i really like hanging out with you. i want to see you, but i feel embarrassed that i can't do the things i want with you, because you're one of the best people i've met in a long long time. my stress level has been through the roof lately dealing with all this crap for this show. i've spent the last 2 months working my ass off this and they keep slipping up. the last thing i want to do is project all my problems on you. i'm no fun when i'm stressed.

me: i get it. unfortunately, i am painfully familiar with this reasoning as i've heard it before. so this isn't what you want. okay. i wish i'd known before any feelings were involved. but we can't change that. i know now, and i'll deal with it.

him: i'm sorry, i tried telling you all this, that i didn't want to be serious. i still want to see you and hang out with you...does it have to be so serious?

me: when did you say this (not including when you were last here)? and what does not so serious mean to you exactly? cuz i don't think we have been.

him: that's when i said it, the last time we were together.

me: and to me, "i don't want to like you too much because i don't know where i'll be in 2 wks" means "once i figure it out, i'll be fine." but i totally didn't get what you really meant.

him: i meant what i said, that i don't want to like you too much because i can't be in a relationship right now. what is it you want?

me: okay. well by then everything had already happened, and like i said, i guess i just didn't understand what you meant. but now i do. what i want? someone who gives me time and attention and makes me feel like i'm important to them. i want what i give. it's not that much, but i know you have to be in the right mindset to do it.

and that was it. that was a few hours ago. i don't really have much else to say about it other than how the hell do i keep getting myself in this situation?

boo...and shit

c. anthoney...your explanation is the best i've heard. i actually kind of understand it when you put it like that. doesn't mean i necessarily like it, but i get it. i guess i equate texting with not caring, and perhaps i should not do that. since it seems impersonal to me, i figure a guy would only do that if he really didn't care or wasn't all that interested.

reenybug...ha! i can wait 'til after nine, boo, so we can use those good unlimited minutes.

anyway, thanks for your amusing and insightful comments. here's my latest. but first a background/recap:

any guy i meet/like/get involved with, already starts out with a deficit. because i've been disappointed so many times before, he has to try to climb out of the hole created by other people, and any slip up that might only marginally affect another, less heartbroken girl is totally magnified to me and makes a bad situation worse. pretty much, as a therapist told me a while back, i would need someone to do a shitload of things right over a loooooooong period of time for me to believe that they like me and for me to trust them. this is probably not realistic, but what ends up happening is that i see every mistake as proof that that this guy isn't going to stick around, that i am not and cannot be a priority for any man going back to daddy...
and either it winds up being true because it was the fate of the relationship all along or because i believed it and it was self-fulfilling. either way...the shit goes down.

which brings me to my mini-meltdown last night. so after i got home on halloween, i texted the boy (who is still out of town) and said "happy halloween!" all he had to do was say the shit back, and none of the rest of this story would exist. but he didn't. he said nothing. i forgot the rule that guys sometimes don't feel the need to respond if you don't ask a question, so maybe this is partially my fault, but whatever...it's bullshit. so at like 3 a.m. (or 2 a.m. depending on the time change), when i still hadn't heard from his ass, i sent a text that read "um...hi...are you okay?" his response? dead dumb silence. 4 a.m., 5 a.m., noon, 3 p.m. motherfucker. listen, if you INSIST upon communicating with me via text then i EXPECT that you should be able to do that shit promptly, seeing as how it doesn't involve any effort beyond you moving your thumbs.

by 6 p.m., i was done. i had watched sports all day and gone to my dance class and done all the "me" shit you're supposed to do when you're "not thinking about" a guy. but as it got all dark and shit all early, the thoughts began to creep in. "this is happening again...this guy is just going to disappear like _____ did or he's just going to stop putting in effort like _____ did. i've seen this before. i know how this ends." now perhaps, sally jane would have just figured "oh, he's busy. he'll get back to me. this is nothing personal." but not me. during the world series, my eyes started to tear up, and the only reason i didn't actually cry is because i was just so damn tired mentally and physically (because that class kicked my ass). i told my sane friend about it. she, of course, said it was no big deal, and that he would get back to me soon. i, being of the less sane variety, knew i would not be able to let this go. i felt so completely rejected and upset. "clearly, if you can't send a freaking text message, which is the only method of communication you seem capable of, then i can't be important at all." he's screwing an ex, i thought. or he's just realized he's not ready for a relationship (oh, that infamous excuse). anyway, i knew this was the end. i wanted to hate him, i wanted to be done with him, i wanted to have the last word.

so i texted him AGAIN (my mother popped into my head just before i sent it...she oozed of disappointment. but i had to ignore her). i said, "your lack of response makes me think something really IS wrong or that you're just ignoring me. hope it's not the 1st one. just in case it's the 2nd, i will let this be my last message." i sent it, turned off my phone and instantly felt better. i took a shower, watched some tv, and went to sleep. i woke up in the middle of the night and turned my phone back on (because it's my alarm clock and i gots to go to work). there was a text from him, but i didn't read it. i didn't want to be thinking about it, analyzing it and not be able to go to back to sleep. so i ignored it. didn't read it until i got in the car this morning. it said, "hey. busy week. what's going on?" or something like that. i screamed at the phone, "nothing is going on!" i won't respond to that because i don't really have anything to say. "Nothing is up. Just want to know that you give a shit. That you're actually thinking about me now and then. Later." No. And on another note, are you really THAT busy where even your thumbs can't move to type a simple message? i am inclined to call, "bullshit."

anyway, perhaps this would be a big deal to anyone. maybe just to me. and again, because of the "hole", little shit has a major effect on me. i've thought about trying to explain this to guys, but i feel like that would be a mess. i'm aware that i could be overreacting, but at what point are you not supposed to use the clues of the past to determine the present. i.e. at what point do i say well, when ____ didn't text me back, it's because he had decided he didn't want to see me or talk to me ever again. however, just because this guy did, it doesn't mean the same thing. Or, when ____ stopped calling/texting as much, it was the beginning of the end. however, just because this guy does it...

on one hand, people say you're supposed to learn from the past. on the other hand, you're not supposed to live in it. i don't know if i am just being smart (i.e. spotting the signs and knowing when it's not working) or scared. however, if i was communicated with on a more regular basis, i might not have to even think about this.