georgey-porgey puddin' pie, kiss the girls and make them cry

valentine's day. i had dance class, then rehearsal (i was invited to join a dance group, which has been one of the few bright spots in my year. i am very excited.). afterward, some of us grabbed a late lunch. lunch turned into a trip to tj maxx which turned into having dinner, which turned into eating vegan cinnamon rolls (surprisingly and ridiculously good) which morphed into lying around the instructor's apt and listening to music and watching youtube. it was very laid back.

fast forward to 3 a.m. i was running to my car which was parked sort of far away, and i noticed an apt. bldg that looked just like the apt bldg that an old flame used to live in. let's call him george (because he's from washington d.c.). george and i dated when i was 24/25, 4 years ago. i was crazy about him. we met at a golf course. February 2006. initially, i was only slightly intrigued, but i took him up on his offer for a little one on one golf lesson the following monday. monday came and it was raining, and my minimal interest did not benefit from inclement weather. plus my cousin was in town and i wanted to hang out with her, so i WANTED to flake. but i didn't have his #, so i had to go. i planned to wait 15 mins. then leave.

surprisingly, he showed up, but we couldn't golf obviously due to the weather, so we went to westside pavilion and walked around and then went to lunch. and by the end of the day, i really liked him, and we just started hanging out after that. everything was cool up through my birthday in April. i knew about his ex, but he said she was crazy and he was over her (she had threatened to kill herself if he dated anyone else, and one night she called and said she was doing it and he rushed over, blah blah. but he claimed to be aware of her insanity and said he knew that he didn't need that drama in his life. so i wasn't worried about her.).

then, in april, he left town for work, and he didn't call for 17 days. 17! and i was heart broken. now, i was smart enough to know that it was about her. so i called him on day 17, and that's when he told me that she had shown up and they'd been talking and he was confused, etc. we met up when he got back. he drove me to a parking lot and gave me a piece of hershey pie and said he needed time to figure out what he wanted, and he didn't want to lose me, but he needed to be honest. i appreciated his honesty, and i hung around for a couple of weeks maybe. but then i got a job as an asst. at an agency, and i knew it was going to kick my ass, and i didn't want to be distracted by what he was or wasn't doing. plus, i felt like he should know who was better (me), and if he didn't oh well, i wasn't going to sit on my behind anymore and wait for him to figure it out. so i emailed him while he was visiting his mom and told him that i thought he was great but that i wasn't going to be second. that was pretty much the end.

back to Sunday night. so then i realized it WAS the bldg he used to live in. then i looked at the spot he used to park in and i saw his car, but i was confused because i knew he had moved. but i went to the back of the car and saw the redskins license plate holder on the back, so i knew it was his car, but i still didn't know why he was there. anyway it was 3 a.m. the day after valentine's day, and i was chock full of vegan cinnamon rolls and feeling impulsive, so i left a note on a dry cleaning receipt and hoped he'd get it. i didn't have too many expectations. i just genuinely wanted to know how he was doing and perhaps catch up over lunch.

he called monday morning. turns out his friend still lives there, and george is staying there for a week while he moves out of one apt and into another. we talked for a while, then he said he had some more moving to do and could he call me later, adding that his birthday was tomorrow (tuesday...he was turning 36) and asked if i would hang out with him.

so i did hang out with him. we met up at his friend's house. then he and i went to a bar, and i bought him drinks, and he got w-a-s-t-e-d. BUT before he got pissy drunk, he said a few things...

when we first got there, he got up for a second to go have a cigarette (a definite turn off for me, but something i seem to overlook with him, nevermind that he's always promising to quit), and he kissed me on the cheek and hugged me and was like, "i'm so glad we reconnected and i'm glad you're here and no matter where this ends up, it's nice to have someone in my life who understands." he was very affectionate, touchy feely. he pulled me over to him and had his arms around me and was kissing my neck and my shoulder and whatnot. at some point he said, "i'm so happy you wrote that note." talking about how it was fate because he'd only been staying at this place a week, etc. he did say that the place that he was moving out of was an ex-girl's place. i asked if it was the crazy girl from before who tried to kill herself. he said no. so it was a new girl. but i couldn't help but hear the "dun-dun-duuuun" music in my head. here we are again. in February. right after you've ended a relationship. seeming eager and ready to move on. but last time this picture-show didn't end so well.

i realize, after a while, that i have to take him home (lest he beat up the guy who asked me if george was my boyfriend...). i'm helping him with his seatbelt when he asks, "are we on the same page?" i'm like, "what do you mean?" he said, "well, i really trust how i've felt all night with you. i'm 100% happy with you. and i want you in my life. and i want to get this on track, get this to where it should be. but i feel like you're hesitant."
"well, i am hesitant for one because i don't know if you're for real talking or drunk talking."
"aw, c'mon. you know me better than that. i mean, everything i say."
"yes, but will you remember this in the morning? i'm also hesitant," i continued, "because i got my feelings hurt last time, and i don't want that again."
"oh! you want to talk about feelings being hurt? you crushed me."
"what are you talking about?"
"why did you just leave like that? you wanted nothing to do with me." i reminded him about the conversation we had after he didn't call for 17 days, and he told me his ex was back in the picture and he was trying to figure out how he felt about her, and at the time, i asked him if he was still in love with her, and he said he didn't know.
so i said, "i knew you were going to pick her, so i had to get out."
"what do you mean you knew i was going to pick her? i was straight up with you about everything, and if you had just stuck it out with me through that, we'd still be talking now." or something he said... then he goes into something about how he feels, but i don't remember because it didn't make sense and his eyes were closed and he was taking these long ass, "is he asleep?" pauses in between sentences.

i got him home, got him upstairs, gave him some water, took off his shoes, and he laid on the couch. he pulled me next to him, and he said, "i'm going to remember this birthday. i'm going to remember how you looked out for me and gave me water and made sure i was safe. i'm going to remember how you're rubbing my head right now." and then he was out. i stayed there until 4 (i think) to make sure he was okay, and i tried to get some sleep, but it wasn't happening, so i had to go home. i wrote him a note (happy birthday. i will check on you later.) and left. and my car was f....a....r. i said a little prayer and walked as fast as i could in my boots.

then he called tuesday morning at 7:38 and said he got my note and was asking what happened last night; he remembered some things but not everything, and i DID NOT bring up anything that he said. i figured we could talk about that when i was not rushing to get ready for work. he said he had a wonderful birthday and that it was special. then he was like, "did we make out?" i said no. he seemed pretty disappointed and vowed not to drink again for a while. then george asked if he could see me that evening as he would be leaving for two weeks Wednesday morning. i said sure. he kept talking about how we didn't make out, and finally, i said, "your birthday isn't over til midnight, so relax." that quieted him down. i told him i would call him after i left work.

hang in there. i'm almost done, faithful reader.

so i called him a little before 7 p.m. and left a message saying i could see him after class (around 1030). he TEXTED me about 20 minutes later and said:

I'm not going to be able to kick it tonight, but you are in my thoughts and i will call you when I have a second.

in a text message! i didn't respond. it sounded a little suspect to me. maybe because i'm completely influenced by past experience or just because it feels funny, especially because it was a text. so i just went to class and rehearsal. of course, at rehearsal the five girls were sitting around talking about their husbands and fiances and the instructor was telling us about the great date she had the day before, and meanwhile i'm thinking about my situation, and i just got really sad. so i went home and cried and talked to my mom some.

and i still haven't heard from him.

and now, i'm back to wondering why any of this had to happen. why did i have to park there? why did i have to notice the bldg or the car? why was i able to find a pen in my car to write the damn note? why didn't i just go home? why does the universe like to joke around? why prompt me to open this unnecessary can of worms if i'm going to have to do damage control? i don't really expect answers; these are just my thoughts.

and why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? why couldn't we have just hung out like normal people without him spouting a bunch of linguistic bullshit and touching me? and why am i so upset by this? my level of emotion bothers me. i knew he was intoxicated, and i didn't think that i was throwing caution to the wind and believing everything he said, but...maybe some of it seeped it. maybe i wanted to believe that he wouldn't just lie, drunk or not. i'm also disappointed. and i'm tired of being that way. upset that i seem to have fallen for the same okie-doke from the same person in the same situation. granted, i caught myself faster, but not fast enough not to feel anything. i'm upset that i have a hole in me so big and so sensitive that even some drunken musings can bring me to tears. i'm upset that i'm bothered by someone who wasn't in my life and week ago and who probably isn't even right for me. i feel stupid and foolish for giving him some benefit of the doubt, for buying him three drinks. and i'm mad at the universe for thinking that this was a swell idea. i've been disappointed enough to know how the f*ck it feels, so i didn't need a recap.

anyway, that's where i am now. today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today, i hope. so how is that for a post?