remorse

so, i know some of you, most of you will be dismayed to know that i fb emailed the boy. i DID feel better after doing it though, so that was good. i wasn't stewing over it anymore.
then i got a friend request him. no response, just a friend request, and i was like wtf?
then i got the response, and holy crap was it a response. the exchange is copied below. and the details have been confirmed by an external source.

from me:
so in the three weeks since we first hung out there's been nary a phone call or a plan to go out again (aside from the one initiated by me). honestly, it's fine that you're not interested, but when you seem as though you are, in person, it gets confusing and leads to hurt feelings and all that jazz.

i still think you're a great person and all that, but i wish you would have been straight up or just kept it platonic or whatever. that would have been okay.

anyway, i'm not one for holding things like this in, so i just needed
to say that.


from him:

I'm very sorry, I've been a bit screwed up for the past couple of weeks. My best friend back home died last week, on the morning of my birthday. He has battled cancer for the past 2 years, and when it seemed like he was in the clear, what began as a mild skin cancer, came back again this year, and had spread to his brain and lungs. His father is a brain surgeon, and was doing everything imaginable to help him, and we were all certain he'd get better. However, he got very very sick about three weeks ago, and was hospitalized, and on the morning of my birthday, right as I was getting ready for a day of fun and celebrating, I got the call that he passed away. It came as a huge shock. Even though he was sick, he rarely let us know how bad it was. He was extremely private about his illness, and barely even let his best friends come see him, as he was embarrassed how he looked, frail with a bald head and many many scars from surgeries. Another one of our good friends is getting married next weekend in Chicago, and I was going to be in St. Louis along with some of the other guys for a few days, and we had all planned to go see him and cheer him up, but now that will never happen. I've never lost anyone close to me, so I'm not very good at dealing with this. I have so much to say to him, but I'll never be able to. Instead of seeing his always smiling face when I go home next week, I'll be attending his memorial.

I've barely slept at all this week and I cry whenever I think about him. He was such an incredible guy, and such a good friend, that this all seems so surreal. So, I'm sorry I've been out of touch, but this is just a really screwed up time for me. I really like you, and have a had a lot of fun hanging out, but I'm just not thinking straight lately, and I don't want to project all my sorrow onto someone else, especially someone I'm trying to seem cool in front of! My brother and parents have been helping me deal with this, they were close to John
as well, as he's been like a brother to me since we met in first grade. The past couple of days have been getting better, but I'm still a wreck. Again, I'm sorry, but this is a bit of a selfish time for me. I feel like a jerk for not calling you. I didn't know how to tell you all this over the phone. I understand if you're angry or frustrated with me, I would be, too. It's not like me to be such a jerk, so please don't think this is how I am....I'm just trying to get my head straight.


from me:

i am so, so, so, so, sorry. truly. deeply. and i feel like a snatch for sending that email and adding to what you have going on. i'm sorry. really i am. though i have never lost a friend, i can imagine that you are going something unbelievably difficult and that you just need to do whatever brings you the most comfort right now.

so i understand. and i appreciate you explaining it to me. if there is anything i can do to help you (including making jello jigglers), please let me know. and when you are feeling a little better, if you want to hang out, let me know that too.

again, i'm sorry. i'll be thinking of you.

***so that's that. i felt bad for even wondering if this was all true. trust issues? anyway, his friend did in fact pass away, and i do in fact feel so very bad. but at least now i know, and i can stop thinking bad things about him.