the flatulence factor

my boss. i love her. i do. she's great. as much as i may want to run away from my job (barefoot...over broken glass), it's not because of my boss. she's a great person. an amazing dresser. and classy as hell. but damnit if she didn't just poot next to my head. we were looking at something on my computer. i was seated, she was standing, and she just let one pop. it wasn't a deadly one, but i had to close my lips for a few minutes, just cuz it was so damn close to my mouth. she did say excuse me though (i told you she was classy).

this incident led me to thoughts of poots and how poots, toots and "silent but deadlies" factor into a relationship. when you live with someone or even when you just spend beaucoup time together what's the poot rule? i personally don't believe the whole shit about "when he farted in front of me, i knew he felt comfortable around me and that we'd be together for a long time." that's not the sign of comfort i'm looking for. show me the scar where your third nipple used to be, tell me about how you made out with your cousin when you were kids, scratch your balls, but don't toot. now don't get me wrong, i know it's natural, we all do it, and sometimes it can't be helped. but that's what i'm getting at. how do you incorporate that into a relationship? after the initial months of being on good behavior and barely even breathing around one another, what's the initiation of the poot? seeing as how i've never lived with a man and the last time i had a serious relationship, ipods did not exist...wait...holy shits!! for real? (per wikipedia, yes, very for real...damn that was a long time ago.) anyway, given that, i don't know how this works. and what happens when you're in the bed? do you just hope the person's asleep? fan the sheets? obviously, you're not going to get up every time. and the sex poot? what does one do when the pot gets to stirrin' during intercourse? these are things i'd like to know. and are there people who just don't do it around their significant other, and if so, i applaud you and your exceptionally strong rectal muscles. and i invite you to share your technique as well.

of course, this poot discussion leads to a load of other questions. like guys, if your girlfriend's vijay smells a lil' sour, do you tell her? ladies, if you're doing your man's laundry and you see skid marks in his boxer briefs, do you give him a "wiping your ass" tutorial? i don't mean to gross y'all out, so i'll stop, but i feel these are genuine concerns. these are things i need to know should i get a man before the next i______(insert technology) comes out. who's the brave soul that's willing to comment on this? and don't forget the poll at the bottom...

i just heard another boss toot, but it was at her desk this time, L.A.