texas wedding

tonight, i was in my cousin's wedding in dallas. i would like to share some of the highlights.

yesterday, at the rehearsal, a damn near 40 year old woman came up to me and introduced herself as my sister (by marriage). and then proceeded to nestle me in her gynormous bosom. this posed its own set of problems for me, as did her calling my dad "dad" and my brother "brother", but the biggest problem is that she's also my third cousin. that's a little too much intermingling if you ask me. but nobody did...so i guess i'll just move on.

carl was the goomsman i was paired up with. carl had the sweatiest palms i've ever felt. carl also had a gold front tooth with a "C" carved in it. we had to take a picture together as we walked down the aisle. so NOW there's a picture in this world of me walking down the aisle with an alphabet gold-toothed man. thank you, universe.

the dinner served included brisket, baked beans, potato salad, chicken, sausage, a slab of pickle, sliced onion, jalapenos and a roll. oh, and a little tub of barbeque sauce.

one of the groomsmen standing on my side decided the song the bride was walking down the aisle to was his "jam", and he proceeded to sing it as she walked. he thought he was singing softly. he was not.

towards the end of the evening, i was on the balcony outside with my brother, male cousin and female cousin (not the bride). well, one of the groomsmen had been trying to "talk" to my girl cousin all night, despite the fact that she's married with children. my male cousin (her brother) finally told him to chill out. well, the groomsman didn't like that and neither did his boys. they had some words for my cousin. well, my brother, of course, had to step in to put these mississippi boys in their place. next thing i know, it's my bother and cousin against the groomsmen, and everybody's in each other's face. then the situation moved out into the parking lot, where one of my relatives decided to get his pistol out of his truck and slip it in his waistband...just in case. yes, everybody had been drinking more than they should have, but damn, do we really have to go to the trunk with it? and why are y'alls shirts off? is this for real???

i'm about to eat come cake and go to bed because this was too much for me.

i just wanted you to know how we do it in texas, L.A.