puss 'n boots

you all know i love my boots. i wear them with my real clothes, and i wear them with my pajamas. well, it just so happens that i wore them out (again) on friday night. i got home around 2 a.m. and clopped around on my hardwood floors, partially because i like the sound (it's sexy and official...somewhere on the decibel chart between government translator and the owner of a football team), and partially because i hoped it was more than slightly disturbing to fatty mcmasturbator upstairs. anyway, i eventually took them off, only to put them on again saturday night. i returned home a little after midnight to discover a note taped to my door.
it read:

Hi,
It's your neighbors @ unit C. Can you please remove your heels when you come home in the evening because the wood floors echo very loudly. I hope it's not an inconvenience but the sound from your heels wakes us up every night.
Thank you very much,
snatch 1 and snatch 2

well, when i first started reading it, i assumed it was from upstairs, and i was MORE than ready to give her a piece of my mind. but when i realized that it was in fact from someone(s) else, this threw a wrench in my plans. suddenly i, the crabby, cane-wagging, popo-calling old lady had become the noisy neighbor. who knew?
i DID in fact remove my boots in a timely fashion...and then i drafted this response:

Dear snatches,

so sorry about the heels. i actually had no intention of disturbing you; i was trying to disturb the masturbating lady above me. you guys think YOU have it bad? you should hear some of the things i've woken up to. i will try to remove my boots promptly (i will take them off by 11 p.m. if i'm just wearing them around the house). i will also try to rely on my obnoxious 80s music more as a sound barrier. that's the best I can do. if you really want to get to the source of the problem, go upstairs and tell that 'zilla that if she would stop spending so much time with her hand up her vag, i wouldn't spend so much time with my feet in my boots.

thanks,
boots.
ps. are you all the ones with that little yippie dog that barks every time the wind blows? now that's annoying.

then i drafted a second response:

Dear snatches,

i don't wear heels anymore. what you hear is actually sound of my peg legs tapping against the floor as i struggle to care for myself. i had the lower portion of both legs amputated recently when some thoughtless wench, much like yourself, ran me over in a prius right outside my front door. so sorry if the sound of me trying desperately to get a glass of tap water at night disturbs you.

thanks for nothing,
pegs.

i have yet to give them either one. want to let the responses marinate first. see which way i want to go.
i can't believe there's someone who doesn't like my boots in L.A.