princess in a prius

i have nothing against priuses. i appreciate their quiet, sounds-like-your-car-just-died motor and the fact that they limit the amount of shit that clots in our lungs. however, ever since i was hit by one, i'm a little bitter toward them or perhaps just the folks who drive them.

one night last week, i was mindin' my own business, taking my groceries out of the car (and by groceries, i mean double roll toilet tissue, paper towels, chips, arizona iced tea and string cheese. oh and a 10 lb. bag of potatoes). i have to park on the street, and as i walked to my car, i noticed a lil' black prius double parked right next to me. the gentleman behind the wheel was clearly waiting on his companion to come out of a building, but i didn't think much of it.

at some point, his raven-haired lady friend sashayed down the stairs and into the car. then they were set to leave, however, i guess their destination was behind them because instead of putting the car in drive, the driver put it in reverse and proceeded to back up. before i could even complete my "what the fuck", the prius ran smack into my car door, pinning me between it and my car. were it not for the protective cushion of my thick, double roll toilet tissue i am certain that my barren uterus would have suffered permanent damage. "oh my god. oh my god" was all i heard through their open window. the male driver asked, "are you okay?" "yeah, i think so," i replied, trying to figure out how the hell they could do something so stupid. i mean, two people, BOTH of them had seen me at some point. and why was he going backwards down the street? dude...

the passenger kept up with her "oh my god"s. then the guy asked me if my car was okay; i checked her. she seemed okay enough. then the lil' prius princess said, "oh my god, is our car okay?" and she looked at me like she wanted ME to inspect it for her. the guy said, "don't worry about it." princess: "no, but can you look?" and she looked at me again. hello! you just assaulted me with your vehicle, and now you want me to inspect it for damage. "uh, yeah...there's a dent that sorta looks like my ass where you HIT ME, shithead!" i wanted to tell her to get her spoiled ass out of the car and look for herself because clearly, her exclamations had not been out of concern for me but rather the condition of her friend's eco-friendly vehicle. but my better self overwhelmed me, and after a quick inspection, i said, "there's a scrape, but i don't know if that's new or old." they thanked me and then continued, BACKWARDS, down the street.
unbelievable.

so here's my advice. beware of all LA drivers; they are the worst. and pay careful attention to LA drivers in priuses. they're crazy, like the rest of LA's drivers, except they think that since they're saving the world one acceleration at a time, they can do no wrong. their choice of weapon should not be overlooked either. you can't hear the prius or smell it. you don't know it's upon you until it's too late. it's like the freakin' navy seals of cars. so watch your ass. literally.

i hope i did not offend any of my prius driving friends in L.A.