the following is a list of things i just bought at the store. it is, i feel, a symbol of my independence (i.e. singleness) and fiscal responsibility (i.e. poorness).
chocolate covered almonds
non-chocolate covered almonds
vanilla soy milk
parmesan artichoke dip
peche lambert (peach belgian beer, my new best friend)
carrots
a piece or rosemary chicken
the beer was the most expensive thing on the list, and though i should have left it at the store, the fact that i will be 28 in 8 days, gave me a good reason to put it in the basket. i plan to spend the week celebrating, in free ways, the first of which is having the entire week off from work. interestingly enough, i have no real plans for my time off. i'm going to watch people's court and judge judy; read; watch my netflix; eat my nuts and drink my beer (so i'll probably be bloated and rounded as all hell from the damn salt on these nuts mixed with the beer). maybe i'll go to a museum and walk it off...
you know, each year, as my birthday comes and goes, and i look toward the coming year, i think, "next year, i'll have a boyfriend on my birthday, and he'll take me out. or maybe we'll go on a road trip. yeah, a road trip! and it will so romantic....next year." i'm not playing that game this year. not because i feel like it's unnecessary and potentially doomed to fail, though both a true. i just don't feel compelled to fire up that fantasy. is it because i'm perfectly content with my life as it is? doubtful. there is certainly room for improvement (though i have become more aware of the beautiful things in my life). is it because i'm at last owning up to the the manlessness part of my manlessdogless label? or is it because all hope has been sucked the fuck out of me and now i no longer fight what is, i just float? perhaps. i mean, honestly, it would be weird to roll over and find anything other than maybe a little drool next to me.
it could be, however, that i'm so focused on trying to get a writing job that i can't spend energy on any other desires right now. as my two year anniversary at work approaches, i can't help but feel like i'm wasting precious time. two years spent doing a job that has absolutely nothing to do with what i want to do with my life. that's such a frustrating position to be in. but, i wonder, is it worse to know what you want to do and have it allude you or to have no idea at all what it is you are meant for?
do i have any expectations for 28? not really. i feel like i've always had "expectations" and they've all sort of been shot down like ducks out of the sky or at least they've been diverted down unforseen paths. so no. no expectations. i do desire happiness. happiness in whatever manner it chooses to present itself. and i don't mean happiness that i have to make, like lemonade out of lemons. i mean true blue happiness. i mean feeling like things that alluded in the past have finally arrived...and they are so damn good that they were well worth the wait.
don't forget to email manlessdogless@gmail.com, 'kay?
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2 comments:
Well don't forget your dazed & confused admin. I'm here to staple papers, re-route your phone calls, and shuffle around all of the boy toys that will come as soon as you blow up. Either way... you always need that homey to carry your big Gucci bag through the airport. I'm going to sit by the phone for the call.
"to have no idea at all what it is you are meant for?"
This. But only because that's the situation I'm stuck in :)
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