part I

yawn. it's another Monday. at my job. i'm still here, slumbering through meetings and agendas, mindlessly taking rsvps and ordering table cloths. blah blah blah. this was all supposed to be over. i could have sworn by now that i was on my way out. see, i was finalist for the WB writing program, and i was pretty sure they would take me, and i was pretty sure i'd be on my way to bigger and better things in a matter of months. but life, with her ever-fickle, always unpredictable self would have no such thing. after having several weeks balancing the fine line between self-confidence and self-doubt, optimism and preparation for the worst and after having finally convinced myself that this is what i deserved, this respectable workshop was god's way of finally opening the door for me and having mercy on my soul, i got the call that it was not to be. they went with more experienced individuals, they said. and i cried. cried a little bit in front of this very computer at my desk, cried a whole lot more on my couch into a piece of chocolate cake (cheesecake factory's linda's fudge cake). i blubbered because i realized i'd been banking on this for quite a while, and suddenly it was gone and along with it, any immediate prospect of occupational bliss. i snotted at the thought of having to do this job for the foreseeable future without one ounce of hope. it was the promise of something better that had allowed me to endure, and that was gone. and so i was just left with the reality of what IS sans the shimmery life raft of what could be and should be.
but i didn't immediately plot my return to texas. nor did i decide that clearly, i'm on the wrong path. as much as it pained me to see that opportunity float away, somewhere, deep inside my right fourth toe's nail (or perhaps the left...i dunno), that little part of me knew that i would be okay. knew/knows. i don't know when, and i don't know how, but everything will be okay. and i can't believe i'm actually saying that, let alone believing it, considering things haven't ever looked this bleak. but '08 is all about change and new shit and realizing the impossible, is it not? in '08, experience is all relative and often times inconsequential. so i just need to wait for the right sucker to take a chance on me. i'm not asking to like lead the free world or anything, just let me write. that's all.
i am a changed woman. i am. although, my optimism could simply be resulting from the mere fact that i've been making out a lot and finally got laid (go 2008!). but that's part 2.
i believe nothing says "hope" like a lil' bump n grind in L.A.