manless dogless fireless

there are fires raging across this great state, and that is a true tragedy. on a smaller scale, it's a tragedy that i am "dating" five to six men, and i don't really want any of them. yes, all the free meals, free rides, free movies, and making out have led me to the conclusion that i am not smitten with any of these cats. tra-ge-dy. how is that possible? well, let me break it down. first, there's the oldest one, the one from my personal 80s movie. the one who would be in my best personal interest to like. we've only had two dates, the second being a hockey game, which was an excellent choice on his part. AND he bought me a present, two presents actually. he had two books sent to me on topics that showed he listens when i talk. how romantic. listening AND buying me something i would like for no reason. however, i still have no desire to kiss him again. on our last date, i got out of it because he recently got over a cold, so i used that as my excuse. i mean, it would be great to like him more. he's mature, stable, sweet, fun, lets me drive his car, which CLEARLY means he likes me, but i just don't feel it. still. and i'm sure i would know by now, right?

then there's the 31 year old, who i've been out on the most dates with. he's also very nice and sweet and smart, blah blah blah. HOWEVER, his conversational skills are still severely lacking. i am so tired of having to perform CPR on our fucking conversations and watching that shit flatline. it's so annoying! there are some people who are just not phone people, but who do quite well in person. he is neither a phone person or an in-person person. on top of that, the last time we made out, his hands we shaking as they were making their way up my shirt. i felt like some skanky 9th grade math teacher about to do the little virgin boy who sits in the back of her class. and i am certainly in no position to be the sexually experienced one in a relationship. although...maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea because a lot of guys out there think they know what they're doing, and they don't. just because they watched some porno and saw some dude slapping the shit out of some chick's clitoris, then they want to bring that shit into the bedroom, and that's not hot. that shit hurts! fyi. but i digress. so between the lack of conversation and the absence of desire to take my clothes off in front of him or have him take his off, i think that one is a no-go.

number 3. the 24 year old. the young, hot actor. well, that one...that one is certainly not going anywhere except the bedroom. yeah, yeah, i did it again. i said i wasn't going to sleep with him again, and i did. ah c'est la vie. it's only the second time i've gotten laid this year. i think it's okay. anyway, unlike the others, he's never bought me a meal, a movie, a soda. nothing. true, he's a struggling actor, but i'm not even sure he would if he wasn't struggling. of course, we are just "friends," so he's not really "supposed" to buy me anything, i guess. anyway, the sex was fine. he sweats a lot though. it was getting into my eyes, and they started to burn. then i think some dripped into my mouth. but aside from that, and the bruises on my ass, it was fine. but...i did...um...i was kinda thinking about my ex while we were doing it, which i think is a bad sign. it wasn't the whole time; it was more like a couple of quick fleeting thoughts, and then a quick smack of my ass would bring me back into the present. so what does that tell me? i'm not sure. i think maybe i should stop doing him if i'm going to be thinking about somebody else because that means i'm not that into him, i believe. and hell, he just gets to come over and have sex with me, and i don't even get a fucking jamba juice out of it? lame.

numbers 4 and 5 i will group together because they are friends/acquaintances of numbers 2 and 3, so i guess that kinda throws a wrench in things right from jump. furthermore, though i'm attracted to their personalities, i'm not attracted to their bodies (short and soft versus tall and soft), also a problem. oh and one is balding and one is a smoker, and those qualities will make me clamp on the chastity belt real quick. despite all these lil' hiccups, i did give them both a shot or two. but again, i'm just not feeling them.

then there's 6, the one i met on the street. he's really not even worth talking about, as his "family emergencies" have prevented us from having an official date. i mean, maybe your grandpa did get hit by a truck and maybe your mom did get her hair caught in an escalator. i don't really know, and i'm not one to second-guess anyone's reasons. shit does in fact happen. but it sounds a little suspect if you ask me.

so what's the point? i don't really like any of them, so i should get rid of them, right? or no? do i just enjoy their company and continue to go out and only tell them how i feel if and when it comes up? or do i tell them now and go back to my nights on the couch? i don't know. i don't know when or how to end things like this. and the worst part is that they're not bad people; they're great. they're gentlemen (for the most part), and i'm sure that some woman would be so happy with each of them. but it's not me. in fact, if they all disappeared, i wouldn't be at all devastated. so maybe this means it's time for me to get off the ride...
unbelieveable. out of 5 or 6 guys, not a one. not one gives me that feeling. that feeling that says, "screw everybody else. it's me and you." i have no desire to be the girlfriend of any of these men. and the one guy who i would like to be with is an emotionally unavailable gemini ex, who i think about when i'm messing around with someone else. twisted. i was hoping that one of these guys would rid me of all feelings for him, but that hasn't happened. so in an effort to purge myself of him completely, i told him i shouldn't hang out with him anymore. it didn't go over as well as i'd hoped. but it was necessary...i guess. i don't know. i don't know anything. this is all ridiculously un-simple.
i want to feel fire in L.A.